R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Do Your Kids Have It

The bad news: Respectful behavior in children is slowly becoming extinct. 

The good news: We can teach our children to be respectful. And along the way, teach them to be considerate, kind and honest. 

HOW?

1. Be Good Role Models
We can't be disrespectful. Children will primarily do what they see us as parents do.
Instead...
We need to model the behavior we want to see in our children. Respect our belongings, listen with full attention, be open minded and be patient with others.


2. Respect Belongings
Dont let children disrespect belongings.
Instead...
Be cautious with the amount of toys and things we give our kids. Too many things and they will not only loose interest, but the less they will appreciate each item.
When kids disrespect their toys, rushing out and replacing them is not the best solution. Explain to your children they have one doll. They need to take care of it or they won't have a doll any more.
Discuss the worth of things. When our 2 year old rips up her sisters art work, instead of reprimanding, I need to explain to her that she spent a lot of time making it and it is special to her. It hurts her feelings when she rips it up.
Make the rules clear. When my girls want to smell my perfumes, they know I have to get them out, they have to be sitting down to hold them, and they can't push the buttons. It teaches them to respect my belongings.

3. Don't Tolerate Rudeness
When we allow our children to back talk, talk bratty and be rude, we lead them to believe it's okay to sass us and other people too. As parents we need to respond to this behavior. We need to make it clear that no matter how frustrated or annoyed our children may be, it is never okay to speak to other people in those tones.
Instead...
Encourage your kids to express their feelings, using statements that start with "I". "I feel mad", "I feel frustrated". Encourage them to put their feelings into words by asking them questions. When our son is making sarcastic comments I find myself saying, "You seem upset, let's talk about it". When our daughter is hollering at her brother I could say, "You sound really mad to me, can you tell me what is going on?" It will take time for your kids to learn to express their emotions instead of being rude, but it will work. When they slip up, teach them the importance of saying "I am sorry."

4. Teach Your Children to Listen
One of the most fundamental ways to show respect to other people is to listen to them. That means giving them our time and attention. Don't let your kids watch television while you are trying to talk to them., or keep their head down in their books or looking at the floor.
Instead...
Remove distractions by turning off the T.V and putting down what they are doing. Expect them to look you in the eye and give you their attention. This means we have to do the same when our children are talking to us. Another key concept to teach, wait your turn to talk and don't interrupt others when they are talking. Wow, are we always working on this in our home. Especially when my husband and I are talking. We have had to work really hard to teach our kids to wait until we are done talking, then it is their turn.

5. Demand Good Manners
Don't let children think that manners are temporary or optional.
Instead...
Expect good manners in all situations. Gently remind children, starting very young, to say "please" and "thank you". When you are going somewhere, be sure you remind them what you expect in the upcoming situation and how they should act. It will take constant cues on your part, soon it will become natural and your children will remember on their own. Make it clear that bad manners will not be tolerated and be sure you enforce the consequences. Even if it means leaving the restaurant or get-together. When good manners are demonstrated, make sure there is lots of praise. Not just "good job, but explain to your children why the good manners are important and what their respect means to the people around them.

6. Encourage Your Children to be Open Minded
Treating others with respect means that we take some time to get to know them and understand them. This is a principle we have to teach our children. They might not like all the other kids, but they need to give them all a chance.
Instead...
Encouraging your children to get to know someone new and find out what they have in common. If after time they conclude they have nothing in common, teach them that they still deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. We have had to do this with our daughter last year. She tends to cling to one or two girls and has a tough time giving other classmates a chance. Her challenge was to play with a new person in her class every week. It made a huge difference. She is now much more accepting and open minded to all people.

7. Diversity is Okay
Children are very quick to point out differences. Every one of our children has embarrassed the heck of me at least once in a public place when they have pointed out someone who looks different. My first reaction is to quickly shush them.
Instead...
We need to explain that we are all different and that is a good thing, not bad. When you encounter new people, explain that there are differences AND similarities. We don't have to forgo our values. There are choices that other people make that are not acceptable in our home. That is fine, but that doesn't mean that we are rude or judgmental. To raise children who accept diversity we have to expose our children to different cultures and traditions. Start by letting them try different foods and learning about different cultures.

8. Rules Matter
Don't allow children to do what ever they want.
Instead...
Set boundaries so your children learn that the world doesn't revolve around them and it teaches them to respect authority. This is a skill they need at home and will need at school and in the real world.
Set the rules.
Talk about why they matter.
Explain the consequences for breaking the rules.
Be strong enough to follow through with the consequences.


ANYONE SEND A SWEET 5 YEAR OLD TO SCHOOL, ONLY TO HAVE THEM RETURN A LITTLE DISRESPECTFUL AND SNOTTY?


HOW DO YOU TEACH YOUR CHILDREN RESPECT?

Consequences

Am I in Trouble?

So your kids wont listen, or they have done something wrong. Now it is time to enforce a consequence. But what are you going to do?

I wish there was a perfect answer for this question. There isn't, but there are some important guidelines that will provide a lot of clarity.

• Don't ever withhold love as a consequence. When a child gets in trouble they will often rush in for a hug. Don't refuse them. Give them the hug, show love and affection, and THEN enforce the consequence. 

• Do not use physical force as a response to physical misbehavior. For example. If your child hits you, don't hit them back. In the long run it will not teach the right lesson. It is especially confusing to small children. "You just told me not to hit and then you hit me, I don't understand."

• Make it clear before things go South, that there are consequences for bad behavior. Talk about it when no one is doing anything wrong. Often times, especially when kids are small, they don't know they have done something wrong until they get in trouble. Set clear expectations and clear consequences if the expectations are not met. 

• After you have given the warning, if the behavior doesn't immediately change, clearly state the consequence and then enforce. You don't have to explain, justify, negotiate, anything. Enforce the consequence and explain at a later time. When things calm down. 

• If it is time to enforce a consequence, don't give in. Giving in sends the wrong message to your kids. They will push and push knowing that you are a "softy." They won't ever take you seriously.

• No idol threats. If you say, "if you yell at me again you will go to your room," and they yell at you again, You BETTER send them to their room. 

• It is okay to allow kids to have a say in their "punishments", just be sure they are adequate and reasonable.

• The general rule for time out, 1 minute in time out for ever year your child is old. Time out should not be used for children under 3. A very mature 2 year old, maybe. But as a general rule 3 or older. 

• When looking for consequences, think about the offense. What would right the wrong? That is a good place to start. What would teach the correct principle, the consequence could be practicing? 

Great, now we have some guidelines, but specifics? What are some specific things that can be done when you need a consequence.

There are two that seem to work the best...

1. Time out, time away, go to your room, whining chair, it talks on many names. 

A child who is not listening, yelling or talking back, mistreating siblings or friends, needs to be removed from the situation. They can be sent to their room or sent to a specific chair or location. The lesson is, "if you are going to misbehave, then you can't be apart until you change your actions." 

When I tell our daughter that she needs to go to her room she quickly hollers "please, give me one more chance." I did the first time and it back fired on me. Duh! Practice what you preach Heather. The misbehaving didn't stop even though I gave her one more chance. The next time, having learned my lesson, no more chances. Straight to her room. She immediately realized I was serious and her behavior changed. Lesson learned, no idol threats, and we must be consistent.

Remember the rule with time out or away: 1 minute for each year a child is old. (5 year old=5 minutes)

     2. Lose of privilege.

Take a few minutes right now and think about each of your children. What means the most to them? What do they value? 

Our son values technology, TV and computer time, and swimming with his Grandpa.

Our daughter values anything social, swimming with Grandpa, friends, and running errands.

Our youngest values playing outside and books, oh and swimming with Grandpa. 

BE SURE THE PRIVILEGE YOU TAKE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN CONTROL. TOYS, TV, COMPUTER, CELL PHONE,  SOCIAL OUTINGS, ETC...

It is these privileges that are the first to go when they misbehave.

Example:

On Saturday the kids were taking forever to make their beds and straighten their rooms because they were struggling to cooperate. They know this has to be done before we go swimming. They also know that if they take forever that they don't get to swim as long or at all. We were late to swim and their hour and a half of swimming was shortened to 35 minutes. They were sad but learned their lesson. Guess who got all their work done "really fast" today. Yep, the kids were not going to miss out again. Now, we could have stayed at the pool for the entire hour and a half, but by enforcing the loss of privilege, they learned. 

When our son is not treating his sisters kindly, he looses TV time, or computer time. 

When our daughter misbehaves in a store, she misses out on the next errand. 

So much of it is about consistency.

Some families find success using a PRIVILEGE CHART.

Take pictures (or draw pictures) of the thing's your child can't live without. Your child looses one privilege starting from least favorite to most favorite for misbehaving or talking back. This will change as their interests and ages change. For younger children it is probably toys, treats, and TV. When they get older it will be time with friends, curfews, cell phones, car privileges, etc. 

Other specific ideas:

• If your child is rude to someone, talks back- insist they apologize. If they are to young, have them draw an apology picture. Sometimes even if they apologize a written letter is also appropriate. 
• If your child talks back when they have friends over, or mistreats a friend-send the friend home. This is a powerful one. 
• If your child is rude or mean to other children-have them do something nice for that person, or take them to serve others. 
• If your child uses bad manners-have them practice good manners. 10 times is a good amount. This could be chewing with their mouths closed, saying please and thank you etc. 
• If your child refuses to stay in time out-add another minute. Add a minute twice and then start taking away privileges. 
• If your child gets out of the "chair"-put them right back in it. 
• If you pay an allowance for chores in your home, and your child does not do their chores-Don't pay the allowance. That's final. You can also have someone else do the child's chore and the pay comes out of the delinquent child's allowance. 
• If you don't pay for chores and your child is not doing what they are asked-they have to choose an extra chore from a list you create. If they still don't do it-lose of privilege. 
• If your child won't do their homework-they loose privileges. For a child to do their homework alone in their room, they need to prove that they can stay on task when left alone. Otherwise, they need to do homework "in public."

All that said, it really comes down to the child and what will work with them. Trial and error will help you understand each child. Always stay calm, cool and collected. Be in charge and be confident. BE CONSISTENT and don't give up. A bad day doesn't mean all is lost. There will be another time to be strong and enforce consequences. Stick with it. And always always always follow the reprimand with an increase in LOVE. Always. 

WHAT'S YOUR LEVERAGE? WHAT CAN'T YOUR CHILD LIVE WITHOUT?

DOES THIS HELP? (Andrea)

Family Volley