Today was supposed to be about Casual Bloggers Conference. I had it all planned. Ready to go.
But... my thoughts have been inundated with something different, a tangent.
- As mother's we are all trying to do the best job we know how.
- Mom's look to other mother's for support, advice, and as examples.
- It can be intimidating to see a mother that appears to "to have it all together."
- Being a mom can be isolating and scary
- Moms put a lot of pressure on themselves
So...Why do mother's judge one another and their parenting?
For example. I have a dear friend who just had a new baby about 6 weeks ago. When she had her baby she wanted to breast feed. She did all in her power to try and nurse. She tried so hard that she was pumping blood instead of milk. It was not meant to be. You should have heard what other mother's had to say to her. "You just don't want to get up in the middle of the night, hahaha", "a breastfed baby is a healthy baby", "breastfeeding was the best decision I have ever made", "I just read a study that said breastfed babies do better in school, too bad it didn't work for you."
I was with her for most of these comments. These comments came from women who were supposed to be experienced, supposed to give encouragement and provide wisdom and strength. The comments made her feel like a bad mom.
I remember a particular instance where I dealt with this. I recently had a student (she had two children) who liked to ask me personal questions during class discussion. One day when we were talking about families and both parents working she raised her hand. I called on her and she asked me, "how do you deal with the guilt of not being home with your children because you teach?"
Funny, I didn't know I had guilt to deal with. This really bothered me for about a week. Was I making the wrong decision for my family? Was I a bad mom? I started to doubt ALL my motherly decisions. I talked to my husband about it and he reassured me that the 6 hours a week I spent teaching helped make our family stronger not weaker. He also exaggerated A LOT and told me I was the best mom and wife on the planet. I like it when he exaggerates. :)
Just like my friend, I was very offended by what felt like a personal attack, not on me as a professor, but on me as a Mother. The job I care most about. It's rare to have someone tell you you're a good mom. That's why we get so defensive. We are already insecure about the job we are trying to do.
So... lets support one another and ourselves.
We can't take suggestions and criticism personally. Most of the time other mother's don't mean to be offensive. A mother of six has a lot of experience. Just because she shares her wisdom with me, doesn't mean that she is saying I am a bad mom. Give them the benefit of the doubt, they are trying to help. Usually they are so excited because something worked for them, they just want to share.
Sometimes we just need to listen. As mothers and women we want to know that someone else understands and can relate. Women don't always need a solution, but they do need to feel understood.
Surround yourself with supportive women.
Avoid making comparisons. It won't do any good. We are all different. That is the beauty of it. Our families are different, our children are different, our situations are different.
Avoid making comparisons. It won't do any good. We are all different. That is the beauty of it. Our families are different, our children are different, our situations are different.
Tell other mom's they are doing a good job. These are like magic words. We all need to hear them.
Be confident in your motherhood. We are all doing a great job. We are trying our hardest. We are sacrificing and serving and praying for the strength and wisdom we need to raise our children. We are not perfect, but our love for our children is. That love will carry us through anything.
Love One Another. Always.
FamilyVolley
P.S. Thank you for all the love and support you share on Family Volley. Tears are shed because of your kindness. If I could, I would have put all your pictures at the top of this post. To represent the women that support and strengthen me. We are all in this together. (Enter High School Musical Dancers)
