Easing the Burden of Being the Oldest Child

Our older daughter is usually flattered by the attention our youngest is constantly giving her. We all know, that can wear off. Our daughter, a great big sister, also needs her space.

It is hard being an older sibling. All the compassion in the world still makes it hard to be followed around and imitated by a two year old all day.

We can help by making things easier for our older children, which in turn will make the situation better for our toddler also.

Be Empathetic

Acknowledge that you understand how your older child feels. Let her know that you're there to listen. Let her air her grievances. In particular, let her know that it is normal for her to feel frustrated and angry and irritated with a younger sibling. Be sure she understands that you are not mad at her because she is frustrated.

Use personal stories so that she understands that she was a toddler once also, and that she loved to imitate you, or her older sibling. 

Using personal stories has been the best way to help our daughter (and son.) One day when our daughter was frustrated I sat down with her and told her how I felt when my younger brother imitated me, and followed me around trying to play all day. I explained to her that "Imitation is the greatest form of flattery" and explained why younger siblings want so much attention from older siblings. It really opened her eyes to the situation and made things easier. 

Protect Your Older Child's POSSESSIONS

Your oldest should be confident that her toys and special things are safe. Be proactive. Help her keep her special things in special places so little hands can't reach them. It is also a good time to teach her to put things away when she is done with them so they can't be broken or ruined. 

If little hands do get a hold of the "untouchables", don't get mad. They don't know any better. Take a minute to explain that they need to ask permission to play with big sisters toys. If your older child wants to share, great, but if not, remove your younger child and get them involved in something else. 

Protect Your Older Child's PRIVACY

Make sure your older child gets some privacy. Some time to themselves. A great time to do this is when your younger child is sleeping. Feeling like they have their own time will make it easier to share and play with the younger sibling when they wake up.

Don't Expect A Babysitter

Your oldest will resent you if you are expecting her to always entertain her younger sibling. Or, if you expect her to include her younger sibling while playing with her friends. If she wants to include her, or watch her, great, but don't put pressure on her and expect it. 

I find myself guilty of this. I have said more times than I can count, "Can you just play with your sister while I take care of this." We have to be careful.

Don't Expect Them to Give In

We should not pressure our older siblings into "giving in" to their younger siblings. They are not in charge of keeping the peace and giving up their rights just because they are the oldest. If we put this pressure on them, they will start to feel punished because they were born first. 

Being Older Is Great

Put together games and activities that let your older child be in charge. It will make it more fun to play with younger siblings. A favorite in our house is playing school, or church.

Our oldest daughter sets up the school room, homework, chalkboard and all. Our younger daughter loves to be the student. It makes her feel big because she is going to school just like her brother and sister. Our oldest daughter feels important because she is the teacher and in charge. Put together opportunities where they feel important because they are older, not punished. 

Remember that we don't want to micromanage. Set rules and guidelines and let your children work things out themselves also. There will always be arguments and disagreements, that is normal childhood. Just be sure that if it turns to hitting and tears, you step in. 

Lots of hitting and fighting going on? 

Check out Can't we all just get along, and Do your kids fight? ...Trick Question for great advice on how to handle it. 

DOES YOUR OLDEST COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR YOUNGER SIBLINGS?

HOW DO YOU MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR YOUR OLDEST?

Can't We All Just Get Along?

What else can we do to keep arguments and rivalries at bay?

Well... as parents we can butt out. Yep that's right. The more involved you are getting with your children's arguments, the more they will argue. Kids need to figure out how to solve their own fights. If you are going to get involved, do it before the argument gets heated. In fact, it is great to look for ways to keep the arguments from happening, but once they do, allow some space and let your kids handle it.

If you have to get involved because the conflict is too escalated, be fair. Don't take sides. Take the middle ground and only share your opinion when your kids can't figure out a resolution.

Spend alone time with each of your children. A few minutes every day is the best, but at least once a week your child needs just you. Make this alone time special. Do what the child wants to do. Listen, praise, love, enjoy one another's company. Grab an ice cream, pick out a new book, see a movie. Families are busy so the best way to do this is to evaluate how your family time is spent. I spend one on one time with our daughter when our youngest is sleeping and our son is at school. Alone time with our son is spent each night after our girls go to bed. Most of our alone time is at home. Every few weeks we schedule something special to do with each of them away from home.

Distract. Parents can tell when their children are about to loose it. We know when arguments are escalating, when fights are going to break out, and when buttons are being pushed. When you see tempers are rising, distract and separate. I used this today. There was some frustration over a water gun. We only have one. That is the first problem. I knew what was about to happen so I grabbed our daughter and brought her in for some apples and a drink. We started talking about other things and avoided what would have been a major argument.  We used this a couple times over Father's Day weekend. Cousins were in town. All the kids get along great for the first three days, and then as everyone gets tired and the excitement wears off, we know what is coming. Tears and arguments. The first time this happened (a few years ago) it caught me off guard. Not any more. I can see it coming and I make sure that our kids have time away from their cousins. I don't make a big deal about it. I just take them with me to the store, or read them a quick book upstairs. Anything to make space between them and their cousins. It has been great. No more cousin breakdowns or arguments.

When there has been a fight or argument, let each child tell their side of the story. Children need to know they are being heard. Give each child equal time to talk and explain. As one child talks the other child or children should be expected to listen and not interrupt. When they are done, repeat what they have said so it is clear that you have heard them. Once you have heard all the versions, ask "What can we do to solve the problem?". Don't ask "who started it," or "what happened." This won't help the situation or future situations.

For the Future:
Help your children develop friendships outside their siblings. Don't let friends take over your family, but kids need sibling AND friends. When one of your children has friends coming over, give them space from other siblings. Especially as your children get older.

Remember when we talked about teaching children to see other's view points?  We talked about asking our children the".... how would you feel if....?" questions? This is important when you are trying to minimize arguments also. Help your children see other points of view. We used this one today also. Again with the water gun. After eating apples with our daughter I talked to our son. I asked him how he would feel if he didn't have a water gun and his sister wouldn't share hers? His eyes changed as he looked down and mumbled "I would feel bad." In that moment he saw things from his sister's side and I knew there had been some realization.

As families, if we don't help our kids deal with their feelings they will keep them inside and start to resent their siblings. So why not hold family meetings. A time when everyone can sit down and work through things that "aren't fair", or that are frustrating. We have a family meeting once a month. The kids talk about all the things that are bugging them. It is controlled, casual and treats always follow. There is laughing and negotiation. Both are necessary in families. We start the meeting by saying nice things first. At the end everyone gives everyone else a hug. Another way to set these meetings up is one on one with a parent. My husband sits down with our kids once a month also. It is amazing what they tell him. They are honest and open and it provides a lot of insight into what we can do better as parents. Both of these situations allow our kids to express how they feel and to be heard.

Encourage children to solve their own problems.
-To do this, teach children to be respectful. That means no name calling, and take turns listening and being respectful while the other person talks. Everyone gets a turn to talk.
-Teach children to talk about how they are feeling, not blame others. "I get angry when you take my toy." "I get hurt feelings when you say mean things to me."
-Teach your children to only state the facts.
-Teach your children to solve the problem. In our house we tease that we don't want to hear about the problem unless there is blood. :) When they come running to us, we encourage them to go back to the "scene of the crime" and work things out. Funny how they take care of things themselves nearly every time. With some practice they will feel much more confident taking care of their own issues.

Lastly...
Here are some quick tips. Be consistent with them and you will see changes in your children's behavior.

• Don't tolerate name calling, hitting or hurtful behavior in your home. Make consequences for these behaviors before hand and ENFORCE them. Enforce them every time.
• No tattle telling. When my kids come tattling I always stop them and say, "unless this is something nice that will keep your brother or sister out of trouble, I don't want to hear it." 
• I try not to get involved. Unless I was there and saw what happened, I really try to stay out of it.
• No yelling. Again, yelling has consequences. Enforce them. 
• In our home we also have a rule that you can't take someone else's things unless you ask. This has taken care of a lot of our sibling arguments.

If there is a lot of arguing and name calling in your home, start by enforcing the new rules. Then patiently wait while changes occur. Kids are learning to live in this great big world with everyone else. It takes time.

WHAT CONSEQUENCES DO YOU ENFORCE WHEN YOUR CHILDREN NAME CALL OR HIT?