Stressed Out Kids-How To Help Our Children Deal With Stress

Our children just finished up their first full week of the new school year. And although we have worked to prepare them in advance, they are stressed out. All of them. Even the 2 year old knows that things are different, as she has lost her three favorite playmates to school each day and wonders where they are and when they are going to come home. I can see it in their actions and feel it in their little spirits. New classrooms and teachers mean things are unfamiliar. They are already taking spelling tests and writing essays, and can feel the pressures around them to do more and be more.

Just like adults, children experience stress. As parents, it is easy to become so busy that we mistake the signs of stress from our children for defiance and misbehavior. Not realizing that what our children are trying to tell us is that they are stressed out!

For our children, stress usually comes from two sources.
1. A situation that is unfamiliar. This might be a new school class, when a parent gets a new job or goes out of town, even houseguests cause stress.
2. The pressure to perform. There are tests at school, competition on the fields and in extracurricular activities, and social pressures to look, dress and act a certain way. Add these together and our children feel pressure from every side to get good grades, score the winning goal, perform the piano piece perfectly AND be class president. Little ones also experience the pressure to perform. "Eat all your food", "keep your pants dry", "share your toys", "go to sleep".

Signs of Stress
Misbehaving
Disobedience
Increase in crying and throwing fits
Tired
Unwilling to do anything or try new things
Easily frustrated
Lack of patience
Anger
Lethargic
Unresponsive
Won't cooperate
Excess Crying
Unreasonable
Tired
Any behavior that is out of the ordinary

What We Can Do To Help

Put yourself in their shoes
Think about how we feel when we are stressed. Now imagine being little, having very limited understanding, and on top of that, not really even understanding what is happening. Not to mention, having very little control. Think of it from your child's perspective and it will be a lot easier to be patient and help them. It will also inspire us to help them eliminate the stresses for them.

Be there to listen
Our children want to talk to us. They need to talk to us. They want to be heard and to know they are understood. Often times just simply being understood takes away their stress. Plus, when we hear what they are struggling with and worried about, we can talk about it with them and help. But.... to listen, we have to be available. We have to be at the crossroads (when they come and go from our homes) whenever possible and make ourselves available so that when they are ready to talk, we are there to listen. Remember, children talk at different paces. For example, our daughter wants to talk immediately. Our son needs a few days before he is ready to talk about things. I just need to make sure I am available.

Get Moving (Together)
Just like adults, kids who are active are better able to cope with stresses in life. I know exercise has been a saving grace for me in more than one stressful situation. But in this day and age of technology and video games, kids aren't always quick to get themselves off the couch. So instead of ordering them to "go out and play" or go for a walk, get up and do it with them. Physical activity will make them stronger physically and emotionally. Doing it together will be fun for everyone.

Don't Over-schedule (Eliminate)
There seems to be constant pressure for our children to do it all. Learn two languages, play 4 sports, two instruments and give community service. Even if our kids want to do all these things, it is just too much for them to handle. Good research suggests that kids really only need involvement in one, maybe 2 extracurricular activities. More importantly they need time to play, to imagine, create and spend time with their families. Rushing to get from one activity to another, with little to no down time for our children causes a great deal of stress. Stress that our children don't need. So... take a few minutes to evaluate what your children are involved in and scale back. Instead, schedule time for them to ride bikes, play in the backyard, and make cookies with you.

Help them find their words
Children don't have the life experiences that we have as adults. They don't always know what they are feeling inside because they don't have past experiences to fall back on as a reference. This is where parents come in. When you notice your children demonstrating signs of stress, we need to help them understand what they are feeling and how to handle it. We need to help them put words to the frustration that is overtaking them. As they have more experiences and time passes, they will be able to pinpoint their own emotions, but until then, we need to help.

Self Evaluate-Be a Good Example
When we are stressed out, that passes on to our entire family. Especially to our children. Research suggests that our stress could permanently be altering our child's DNA. That is a big deal. Our children are also more likely to be overweight when WE are stressed. From the time our children are just babies, they sense our stress and respond to it. Often times when our young children are struggling to behave, it is because they are responding to our stress levels. We need to take a step back and evaluate our own lives. Are we over scheduled? Do we live stressful lives. If the answer is yes, we need to cut back and get control of things. Our children will handle stress the same way we do, so we must set a good example.

Get enough sleep
I wish I could get a sky writer to paint this in the sky. Kids need more sleep. When they don't get enough, the world comes to an end. You and I have both seen it in our own homes. When our children are tired it makes is so hard for them to deal with anything, let alone stressful situations

Role Play
Often times our children become stressed because so much of their life is unknown. They enter into experiences not knowing what to expect. We can ease a lot of the stress by explaining new situations before hand and preparing them for what will happen and how things will go. Giving them knowledge will empower them and ease their fears. Less fear means less stress. Once you have explained things, role play. Act out the situations so they can practice what to do. That way, when they are in the situation it will be like auto response for their minds and bodies. Plus, discussion and role play will give them confidence.

How do your children manifest stress?
What have you found helps them deal with their stress?

Taking Our Stress Out on Our Kids?

As mothers, it seems we are constantly trying to juggle a million responsibilities. With these responsibilities comes stress, a lot of stress. 
Enter children, and before we know it, we are taking all our stress out on them. Isn't it interesting, we often treat strangers and coworkers better than our own family. 


Take a few minutes to figure out what is causing the stress. Are we tired, overwhelmed, money trouble, marriage stress or work stress? Maybe we have just had a long day. Regardless, Stress is going to happen, and we should do all we can to avoid taking it out on our children. They don't understand what we are dealing with and it is not their fault.


On top of that, dumping our stress on our children is not the answer either. We don't need to tell them all our woes. They can't fix it, they don't understand it, and at their age, they don't need to be stressed and worried about grown up problems.


So.. What can we do?


Focus on our children - Don't Multitask
When we have a lot to do, and a lot on our minds, it is easy to think that multitasking is the answer. When we are trying to make dinner, help kids with homework, fold laundry, AND listen to our 5 year old talk about their day, everything else will be more important than what happened at recess. We take our frustrations and stress out on our children because they are making it hard for us to get EVERYTHING ELSE done. The laundry can wait, and so can dinner. Sit down with your child. Give them your undivided attention and focus on their words and their facial expressions. Not only will it bring you closer, but we won't see them as a stress, we will see them as the children we love more than anything. Remember LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E.


Establish a routine
We need to put our families and children on a routine. With a routine, we will know what to expect and so will our children. This will eliminate a lot of stress that comes from the unknown and from struggles with bed time and meal time. Our children will be better behaved when things are predictable. This mean less stress triggers for us as mothers.


Minimize 
Minimize the stuff in our homes. When we have more than we can maintain, even if it is just too many clothes, everything becomes overwhelming and stressful. We will quickly take our stress out on our children. Work to make the spaces in our lives manageable. Give away, throw out, and get rid of. The clutter in our homes and cars becomes overwhelming and makes the other stresses seem even worse. 


Don't Over Schedule
We shouldn't over schedule ourselves or our children. To many things on our family plates will always bring stress. Our kids don't need to be involved in a million extra curricular activities, and we don't have to say yes to every play date and activity. We need to PROTECT our families time. This protection will bring peace and time together. Plus there will be less rushing. Rushing compounds stress.


Have Realistic Expectations
We don't have to be super women. And, we SHOULD NOT COMPARE OURSELVES TO OTHER MOMS. We need to be realistic about what we can tackle and undertake. When we start comparing we tend to see everyone else's strengths and our weaknesses. It is never a fair comparison. We should surround ourselves with people and things that are supportive and uplifting. Not things that make us feel inadequate.


Put Ourselves in our Children's Shoes 
As mothers, we need to take a minute to see things from our children's perspectives. Have empathy. Realize they don't mean to upset us. They are young, learning, and inquisitive. They don't know rush, hurry, or quick. If we can take just a second and see things from their eyes, we will not be so quick to take our frustrations out on them. 


See our Children as People
When we are stressed, it is easy to see our children as objects. Objects that are keeping us from what we are trying to do. We are trying to make dinner, or answer the phone, or fold the laundry and their need for help or attention is getting in the way. We need to see them as people. Little people. They have thoughts and hopes and dreams and good days and bad days just like us. It is the laundry that is actually getting in the way of us being with our kids, Right?


Manage our Time
Clique, I know, but vital. Time management is so important to our lives. We do need to stay organized and manage our responsibilities and the time it takes to get things done. 


Plan Ahead
This goes right along with managing our time. Being prepared and planning ahead will help eliminate a lot of our family stress. Make lunches for school the night before, lay out clothes the night before, even set the breakfast table before you go to bed each night. Round up backpacks and school work, shoes and socks before everyone goes to sleep. Make reasonable preparations to eliminate having to rush. Rushing brings stress, especially with children. 


Have a Sense of Humor
Laugh. When you are ready to loose your temper with your children because you are stressed, laugh first. Even if you have to force yourself. You will find it fixes a lot of things. 


Find Time For Yourself 
As mother's we are always taking care of other people. We forget to take care of ourselves. We should pick one or two things we would like to learn or get better at, hobbies or interest, and find time for them. Along with this, we need to eat right, exercise, even if it is just a walk around the block, and get enough sleep. When we are hungry and tired we loose our temper and take our frustrations out on our kids. 


Play together as a Family
We have to find time to recreate and relax together as a family. Life needs to be filled with work and play. When families play together they grow closer, develop stronger relationships, and have more patience for one another. Plus it is a needed diversion from the stress we deal with each day. Find time at least once a week to do something fun together (this doesn't mean it has to cost money).


Stress is part of life. Taking it out on our kids doesn't have to be. 


DO YOU EVER CATCH YOURSELF TAKING YOUR STRESS OUT ON YOUR KIDS?
HOW DO YOU MANAGE YOUR STRESS?

Helping Children (and families) Cope With Death

Dear Family Volley,

I have just been diagnosed with cancer.  It's very treatable with an excellent prognosis, however, my young children will have to see me go through various treatments, be away from me more (I'm a stay at home mom) and have a lot of disruption.  They are 1 and 3.  How much and how should we explain to them what is going on?

 Thanks!

Holly

_______          __________        ________         __________     __________     ___________

Dear Family Volley,

I hate to ask such a “overwhelming” question… but we are dealing with my very sudden and shocking discovery of my husband’s mother with a brain tumor. Her mother (my husband’s grandmother) is still alive – so we thought we would easily have 20+ years with her. His mom is only 72yrs… Better yet maybe my question is How do I support my two young girls and my husband through all of this sadness, stress, and soon to be loss, while trying to deal with it myself? How do we support two very sad girls?

5 years ago I lost my grandmother to a brain tumor as well. So I understand it all. But how do I explain this all to my 2 little girls (7 1/2 and 10). We finally sat them down. They both are incredibly intelligent and I think they understand that this will mean death… but it is affecting them greatly.

We live in FL on the West coast and Grandma San lives in Maine. She was given 2-4 months. She just finished a round of radiation and we just heard that she lost most of her hair. We will be heading up there next Thursday (4/8) until the 20^th. Kind of a way to give all of us – but mostly our daughters some time with her and possibly a goodbye. We have a book. But it’s just not helping. My eldest is definitely stressing and constantly thinking about it. She even started to sleepwalk again due to her worries. Our youngest – well she is aware and we believe she is internalizing it. But not really understanding it all.

So “Grandma San” has not passed away yet… but we know it will happen sooner rather than later. We are all devastated.

I’ve been relying on my parents/wonderful friends to help support me – because it is just too much for my husband – as he is trying so hard to deal with it all himself. I also need someone who is unbiased to help…

Thank you so much. Truly. Any insight would be phenomenal!

Always,

Kymmie 

West coast, Florida

_____________________-----------------_____________________

Dear Holly and Kymmie,

I am so sorry for what you and your families are dealing with. Our thoughts and prayers are with you as you are coping with these challenges.

Every person, every child copes with stress from death and illness differently. When children are very young, you can be more limited with what you tell them. You never want to lie, or deceive. In your case Holly, you are able to talk more about the affects that the treatments will have on you and less on the cancer. Explain that you are sick and that you will be given medicine to get better, but the medicine makes your hair fall out. Assure them it will grow back and that it doesn't hurt. Explain to them what you will do until your hair grows back so they know how you will make things "normal". There is usually not a need to tell them what "could" happen, or how bad it "could" be. 

It is important to recognize how the stress is affecting them. Some children become more violent or disobedient, some become very quiet and withdrawn, there will most likely be some behavioral repercussions because of the stress. Be very patient as these changes manifest themselves. Think about how hard it is to deal with these things as an adult, then think what that must be like to their little bodies and inexperienced brains.

Now... Some general guidelines to help children deal with the stress of death and illness. (These principles can apply to any stress, new sibling, moving, starting school, anything).

• Create a low stress environment: it is important during these trying times to do all you can to keep as much stress out of your home as you can. Little things like getting behind on the laundry, or letting rooms get out of order or cluttered. If emotionally or physically this isn't possible, don't hesitate to ask for help. Even if it is just for a short time. Assess what everyday things bring stress and anxiety into your home and try to safeguard yourself from those things by thinking ahead and being prepared. If there are unnecessary activities in your family's lives, think about eliminating them until things get back to normal. 
• Stick to a schedule: This could be one of the most important things you can do to help children, and your self, deal with stress. Keep things consistent. If you have always had spaghetti on Monday's, keep doing that. If you always go for walks on Sunday's, try to keep going on those walks. Do all you can to keep the everyday normal. When there is a schedule and things are routine, kids know what to expect. They feel safe and secure when their lives are predictable. Don't we all? It is the unknown that makes children scared and uneasy. Try to keep things as normal as you can. 
• Model responsible stress management: I am sure there are days and moments when you don't know how you are going to keep it all together. When you would like to yell and scream and express frustration by throwing something. In front of your children you need to practice responsible stress management. Stay calm, demonstrate thoughtful actions and words. Children will be upset by outbursts, yelling and violence. Children will watch very closely to see how you are handling things. They will mimic a lot of your actions. Understand that these experiences will happen to them again. Your good example now, will teach them how to handle stress as they grow older. Save the the outbursts for the times when you are alone, or with your spouse. Then you can let all of the anger and frustration out.
• Act as a buffer between your children and the stressful event: You are there to protect your child and help them through the coping process. Give them opportunities to talk about their concerns, but don't be pushy or meddlesome. If they feel like crying, let them, if there is anger, let them express it. Give emotional support by activity listening. You can best help by listening without judging, evaluating, or ordering them to feel differently. 
• Teach children to relax: Relaxation can help children deal with stress. Teach them to breath deeply, and help them do some very basic stretches. One of the most successful is the "rubberband stretch". Have the child take slow breaths and stretch their arms straight out to the sides as far as they can, like a rubber band, then bring the rubber bands back to hang limply by their sides. (This also works with children who are angry for whatever reason).
• Teach coping skills: If you find that your children are expressing a lot of anger, help them harness the anger by giving them something constructive and physical (hammering nails in a new bird house, let them punch a punching bag, have them pitch baseballs into a net). If they are sullen and sad, get them involved in a new hobby to help bring a smile to their faces, do something funny, make them laugh. If they don't know how to communicate their feelings, teach them communication skills. 
• Do things together as a family: Do what ever activities you can together. When a loved one is lost we don't really want to get out and do anything. It is necessary to feel the grief and the pain, but research shows that families who loose a loved one, get over the loss faster when they get out and do active things. Take walks, play games, go to the park. Doing things together will help in the healing process.
• Take time to remember your loved one: Help your children do activities that will help them remember their loved one. Put together a scrapbook with pictures and quotes from your children about that loved one. Have your children put something in their rooms that reminds them of the happy memories they have with that person. Teach them a hobby that their loved one did.
• You must grieve also: Take time for your own grieving, so that you are healthy and can help your children. Remember the oxygen mask? It applies here also. Go on dates with your husband, breathe fresh air, keep engaged in your hobbies. Have some quiet time each day to meditate and cope. 

Band together as a family. Be there for one another. Show extra love and extra patience. Strengthen your families through the loss or trial and it will bond you together and bless your relationships. 

Have any of your dealt with death or illness with your children? Any tips you want to add? How did your family cope?

Family Volley