Getting Your Kids To Listen To You!

(A version of this post originally aired as a guest post I wrote for TheIdeaRoom.net)

Do you have a child who doesn't listen and has to be reminded numerous times before they will do what they're asked? Of course, we all do! Every once in a while all of our children will tune us out.

When everything seems to be going in one ear and out the other, here are 6 tips for getting your words to stick.

1. Don't start talking until you have your child's attention.
Get down on their level opposed to hovering above them, expect distractions to be turned off or paused, be sure you are making eye contact, and then talk. It is also okay to ask for their attention. "Please look
2. Get to the point.
As parents we tend to use too many words and explain too much when we are talking to our children. All the extra words give our children time to tune us out. Keep it short, simple and to the point.
3. Don't repeat yourself
The first thing most of us do when our children don't listen, is to repeat ourselves. And then repeat ourselves again, and again. (Followed by telling our children we are tired of sounding like a broken record :)) Don't! Saying things over and over teaches our children they don't have to listen because they know we will say it again and they can listen another time. Stop repeating yourself and just say things one time. If they don't listen the first time, make sure you had their attention to begin with. If you feel you had their attention and they still didn't listen, then let the consequences follow. This will take some practice for us, and for our children. It is hard at first to not repeat ourselves.
4. Be Reasonable.
Put yourself in your child's shoes for a minute. Imagine if we were right in the middle of doing something important to us, or doing something we love. And all of a sudden someone came in and demanded that we immediately get up and do what they say. How would we feel? We wouldn't want to listen, we would be frustrated and irritated! It isn't any different with our children. When a child is involved in something else, be considerate with the requests. Sure there will be times when we need immediate action, but for the most part, we can think ahead and cushion our requests. Think of it as warning them about what it coming up. It gives them time to finish up what they are doing and prepare for what is next.
5. Uphold consequences
When children don't listen, we need to uphold the consequences. If we don't, then it sends our children the message that is is okay to ignore us because we won't follow through anyway. We can set general consequences that apply to not listening. Such as "If you don't listen the first time, you have to go to your room. We can set consequences that are tied to the request itself. "If you want to play outside, please finish your homework." And/or we can let the natural consequences take their course. Such as when a child doesn't get their shoes on and get in the car when asked, then they don't get to go. The key is to be clear with the consequences before hand and to make sure we follow through. Even if they come to you and say they didn't hear you. Don't back down. Just invite them to do better next time.
6. Establish Schedules
Want to save yourself the stress of constantly reminding your kids what to do before they go to bed? Create a schedule or routine and your kids wont have to be told what they need to do because they will already know. Why, because you do the same thing every night. These routines can be established for everything. Getting ready for school, what to do after school, household chores, etc... I know for our daughter, she does better when the schedule is written down. So we write down the order of what needs to be done and she refers to it when needed. Instead of constantly nagging her, I just reminder her to check her schedule.

A few simple changes to the way we talk to, and handle our children, and you should see huge improvements in their listening skills. Just remember that along with the above suggestions, we have to be good examples. When they talk to us we need to put away our distractions and listen with full intent. Children will do what we do, before they do what we say, so set a good example and they will learn from the best!

Do you ever find it hard to listen to your kids?
Do you have a chronic non-listener? How do you get through to them?

52 Weeks To Fortify Your Family *GIVEAWAY*

This year our family has started the new year with a renewed focus on studying the scriptures together. With children from the age of 12 down to 1, it can be difficult to find a way to strengthen and uplift everyone at the same time. Not to mention, hard to find a time when everyone will sit and listen.

After much thought, we decided that right after dinner was the best time for us. (While everyone is already sitting at the table). And thanks to Nicole Carpenter, we have found a new approach that has made the first month of scripture study a fantastic experience for our family.

52 Weeks is a theme-based approach to daily deotionals for Latter-day Saint families. The book offers an assortment of topics from kindness and citizenship to prayer and repentance. 

Each week has a different topic and then each day of the week has a message already prepared for you. Scriptures and quotes are included. BUT....it is not overwhelming. Last week our family talked about Happiness. We love being able to talk about things for 7 days. It allows us to really cover the topic. And it lets our children think about things each day. 

Another thing I love about the book is the section at the back that focuses on holiday devotionals. Love and Valentine's Day, Easter and the Atonement, our Nation and Independence Day, Fear and Halloween, Graitude and Thanksgiving and the Nativity and Christmas. The perfect way to keep the spirit in the holidays, year round.

"52 Weeks to Fortify your Family" has completely changed our families scripture study experience. It has taken so much stress out of it for my husband and I. And our children love sitting around the table after dinner and talking. They grab the book each night and bring it to the table with willing hearts and minds. Your family will LOVE this book.  

"52 Weeks" is already a #1 bestseller on Amazon. If you want your own copy you can grab one online at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or in Desert Book or Seagull Book. 

You can enter to win your own Autographed Copy of "52 Weeks" RIGHT HERE!

The giveaway will end in one week, on Tuesday February 3rd. 

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Best Tips for Parenting Teenagers - Part 1

Teenagers! Agh, a stage that every parent worries about. It can be a huge challenge to navigate these critical years in our children's lives. Our son just turned 12 this summer, and although he isn't an official "teenager" yet, we can already see changes in the way he thinks and acts. Not bad, just different. He has more need to spread his wings, find himself, and is looking to establish his self esteem. 

The teenage years are a time of huge change for our kids. They are trying to figure out who they are, what they like, and where they are going. Plus, they want to be accepted by not just us, but by their peers also. It is a time of soul searching and identity building. 

We talk a lot about infants and toddlers, but our toddlers are growing up and it is time to talk tips for our teenagers. 

Today, let's start with our first 6 tips for parenting teenagers. 

1. Don’t survive the Adolescent years, THRIVE the Adolescents years.

Stop labeling and get rid of the stereotypes. We shouldn’t expect the worst during these years. Not all teenagers become monsters. Most teenagers are great. Give them a chance. We live in a universe of attraction and what we focus on and put our energy on is what will become our reality. Focus on how great it is that you have children who are learning who they are and developing their identity.

2. Love them from the inside out.

We respond to people, primarily by how THEY feel about us on the inside, not by their behavior. As parents, we can make right choices with our teenagers, but if on the inside, we are irritated, feel they are irresponsible, disappointed in them and their decisions, then that is what they will respond to. That is actually how they will behave. We will bring out in them, the exact behavior we say we don’t like, when we see them as objects that are making our lives miserable. Praise them, compliment them stop nitpicking them.

If they know we love them, above all other things, it allows us to discipline, communicate, be honest and open, and they will accept it.

3. Communicate. It is the Golden Rule of raising teenagers.

We have to keep the lines of communication open. We have too!

There are two times when teenagers want to talk.

• When we are driving in the car with them. (Don’t have to look at one another, know there is an end so they are more likely to talk.
• Before they go to bed. (They are tired and willing to let their guard down and chat)

Be available during these times to LISTEN, and instead of telling them things, ask questions so they can discover answers on their own.

ANOTHER GREAT PLACE TO COMMUNICATE is over common activities. Find something that you and your teenager can do together AND DO IT. It takes all the stress out and you will find that while you are sharing something enjoyable, they will want to talk and open up. They feel you understand them because you both share joy for the activity.

4. Understand teenage time zones.

We need to recognize that our teenagers naturally, work in a different time zone than we do. This is not bad, or wrong, just different. We don’t get mad at people in NY because they work in a different time zone! When we ask them to do something, and they say “sure, “in a bit” or “yeah, give me a while.” Instead of being irritated because they are not doing it immediately, or on our time zone, let’s be glad they have said YES. They said YES!!! If we respect that, they will not only actually do what we have asked, but they might even do it sooner. If we know this is how they work, we can ask sooner, explain better. Instead of insisting immediately.

5. Be a Consultant, not a Manager.

Up to this point in our children’s lives, we have been the manager of their lives. We manage all the aspects.  Then, our children hit the teenager years and they fire us as their managers. So parents usually do one of two things.

• They either abandon their kids…"good luck with everything, hope you make it."
• They become extra controlling and try to force their kids to do what they want.

Neither are the right way to go. (We are trying to relive our childhood, safeguard them from what we know is out there, etc…)

Being a consultant is more about influence and less about control. Consultants share their expertise and knowledge to help attain goals and solve problems.

One way we can do this is to…

ASK, don’t tell.

When we speak to our children we need to ask them for help, ask them for their ideas and opinions, rather than telling them what we believe they should think or do.

“What do you think about that.” “How do you think we could handle that.” Etc…

This can be really hard because we have been there, we know what the future holds if certain decisions are made, or not made, but it is their time to learn for themselves. That is our job, to help them do that.

  

6. Don’t get lost in the consequences

When we are parenting teenagers, it can be very easy for us to get caught up in the consequences when our children make mistakes. Now, there does need to be consequences. Absolutely, BUT…. A few things to consider.

Consequences should fit the crime and they should have kids DO SOMETHING, opposed to taking something away. Mow the lawn, opposed to loosing their phone.

BUT it is the follow up that we as parents usually forget. AFTER the consequence, sit down with your child and ask them “was there any part of you that thought you should call home when you were going to be late for curfew”? OR, did the thought ever cross your mind that maybe you should have left earlier so you were home on time”?

They will say yes! They will, and when they do, ask them…”WHAT DO YOU THINK STOPPED YOU FROM LISTENING TO YOURSELF?” “WHAT GOT IN THE WAY OF YOU LISTENTING AND TRUSTING YOUR THOUGHTS”?

They will come up with some sort of answer. When they do, go on to explain that “you know what is right, Listen to yourself. You have all you need to make right and good decisions. “

Then, move on, don’t’ lecture. And don’t get lost in the consequence. It is over and done.

Do the teenage years worry you?
What worries you the most?
What tips can you add for parenting teenagers?

Don't miss Part 2 of our Parenting Teenagers Series. By the time we are done, you will have all you need to tackle the stage in your child life. 

 

TEEN WEEK: Raising Teens- "Age of Opportunity"

It's TEEN WEEK here on Family Volley! All week we will be talking about those tough adolescent years, with tips and tricks to not only surviving, but THRIVING! You don't want to miss it!

Just when we think the "two's" are terrible, a parent will argue that it doesn't hold a candle to a 15 year old in the middle of puberty. And with adolescence lasting longer than ever before, it's time to give this stage of life more attention.

To kick off Teen Week I want to introduce you to the best book I have read on the subject. If you have a teen, know a teen, will have a teen one day, or work with teens, you need to read "Age of Opportunity" by Laurence Steinberg.

The book, filled with years of research and findings, clearly explains how the adolescent brain works, which is a necessary place to start if we want to know how to parent them during those years. Steinberg explains that most of our understanding about adolescents are incorrect and gives us the truth about this time in life. By the time you are done, you will have a wonderful understanding of teenagers, how they work, why they do the things they do, and what you need to do to help them become successful adults. Not to mention what we should do in the heat of raising them when we don't think we can survive one more day.

There are solid reasons to be concerned about our adolescents.

• American adolescents continue to underperform teens from many industrialized countries that spend a lot less on schooling. 
• The US once boasted one of the the world's highest college graduation rates. It now doesn't even make the top 10.
• One in 5 American high-school seniors abuses alcohol at least twice a month. 
• Nearly one third of young women in the US will get pregnant at least once by age twenty. The US leads the industrialized world in teen pregnancies and STD's and ranks near the top in adolescent abortions.
• In 2011, nearly one-third of the women who gave birth had never been married.
• Twenty percent of all high-school-aged boys in American take prescription medication for ADHD
• Adolescent obesity is three times more common now than it was in the 1970's.

The findings go on and on. All leading to the understanding that American teenagers are among the world's most miserable. (Steinberg, 2014)

You will not only find solid research, but solutions.

As we head into Teen Week, here are a few understandings that you need to start with. Keep these as your foundation. The rest of the week will build on, and add to them. By the time we are done, you will have a game plan to use for your teenager.

First, adolescents is just as important as the early years in terms of the potential impact of experiences on the brain. A teenagers brain is plastic (Steinberg, 2014). It can be altered by experience. What happens during these crucial years will affect the rest of their lives.

Second, children are maturing earlier than ever before. As parents, we have to be prepared before they are.

Third, we want to be authoritative parents. Demonstrating a good mix of warmth, firmness, and support.

Forth, we can't love our children too much. There is no harm in telling them we love them EVERY day, in showing affection to them every day, in praising them every day.

Those four truths will be the foundation for all we do here during Teen Week. Get ready to take some notes so you can strengthen the relationship with your adolescent.

If you want to get your hands on the "Age of Opportunity" (and you do), you can find it on Amazon, IndieBound, and Barnes and Noble.

What is the hardest part about raising a teenager?

Improving Family Communication-Does Your Family Like the Way You Communicate? Take a Test.

When it comes to learning to communicate, family is the school room. The way we communicate with our children and our spouses, teaches our children how to communicate. If we sulk and pout, raise our voices, ignore and hold grudges, we are teaching our children that that is the way to do things. Which sets them up for trouble as they get older. They will take those same bad habits into their future relationships.

But...if we work to model healthy communication, listen more than we talk, rarely use sarcasm and insults, say what we mean, practice empathy, and ask questions when we have them, we send our children out with valuable tools to use in every area of their lives.

The funny thing is, how we see ourselves communicating, is not always the same way our family sees things. Time to take a step back, be honest with ourselves and with one another, and take a little communication inventory, to see how well things are going in our homes.

Take a few minutes to answer the following questions. Then, cover up your answers and have your family answer the same questions about you. (You can print the inventory right from this post.) Obviously you want to answer true to all of them, and you want your family to do the same. But chances are, that won't happen. Be open to the constructive criticism and evaluate what each person in the family can do better.

You will love what an activity like this can do for your family. Let me know how it goes!

Back To School Time Capsule (With Printable)

Here from Studio 5, looking for the Printable? Just scroll down and you will run right into it!

Today is our children's first day of the new school year. We have had a great summer, although way to short, and the kids are ready for school to start. I am glad they are so excited. 

This is a big year for the kids, but also for us as parents. Our son will be starting 7th grade. Yikes! Junior High School? Were those years really good for anyone? On top of that, he will be attending junior high at the local high school. Not part time, but full time, just like if he was in 10th grade. I am nervous for what he will be exposed to. High school is a very big place for a barely twelve year old. Fingers crossed we have done our part to prepare him.Our 9 year old daughter is starting 4th grade. She is in a French emersion program and spends half the day speaking English and the other half of the day speaking French. No English allowed. She has loved it up to this point and am guessing, that although I took a lot of French in high school, she has the potential to pass me up this year. 

Our 6 year old is going to be in 1st grade. That means she is starting the French program also and will be in school all day. I don't know what I am going to do without her around during the day.

I am going to miss them. A lot. 

With all the changes, and the fact that I feel like I can't keep up with how fast our kids are growing up, we decided a few years ago to start documenting all the fun changes that take place each school year. The Back to School Time Capsules will help you keep track of your children's growth, without taking a lot of time or resources. And your kids will love it. Don't worry if school has already started. There is plenty of time and your kids will still be very willing.

The idea is to document the small things about your child that will change over the next school year. Things like height, weight, likes and dislikes, even handwriting. 

You don't need much.

A container

Rope or string or ribbon

Paper

Pens/Pencils

Camera

First...decide what you want each child to keep their capsule in. Mason jar, #10 Can, She Box, anything will work. 

HEIGHT

Have your child stand up against a wall and lightly mark how tall they are. THEN...take your rope/string/ribbon and stretch it the length of your measurement. Cut the string to the right height length, and put it in your time capsule. They will love getting it out at the end of the school year and seeing how tall they have grown. 

WEIGHT

Write down how much your child weights. If you don't know, don't worry, skip this one.

LIKES/DISLIKES

On a piece of paper, have your child write down the following... 

favorite color

favorite meal

favorite fruit

favorite vegetable

favorite activity

least favorite food

favorite TV show

favorite movie

favorite book

favorite subject in school

favorite friend

favorite snack

favorite shirt/pants/shoes

favorite toy

You get the point. Add your own to the list. 

Here is a Printable you can use for your own Back To School Time Capsules. Simply click on the picture, download, and print out one copy for each of your kids. 

GOALS

Have your child write down 3 goals they have for this school year. At the end of the year you can see if they accomplished those goals. 

HANDWRITING

Have your child write their name. For even more fun. Have them write it on a piece of paper/chalkboard/whiteboard and then take of picture of them holding the piece of paper up. This way you will have a picture of them and see what their writing was like. It will be fun to see how their writing has changed at the end of the school year.

TRACE HANDS/FEET

Trace your children's hands. Include the tracing in the capsule. Your kids will love to see how their hands have grown. We like to include feet also. 

PICTURE

If you took a picture of your child holding up their name, then you can use that as your picture. If not, you probably took a picture the first day of school. Add a picture to the time capsule and you are set. If you are not really great at getting pictures from your camera/phone to the print shop, you can always wait until the school pictures come home and add one of those to the time capsule. 

Once you have everything filled out and gathered, put it in your container of choice and seal it up. Bury them in the backyard, put them on a high shelf, under the bed, anywhere. Just tuck them away until the end of school, or the beginning of the next school year. 

It will be so fun to have a special BACK TO SCHOOL PARTY next year when we open them up and see how the kids have grown and changed. And then start the tradition all over again for the new school year. 

THE ULTIMATE GOAL

We have decided that we are going to do this every year until they graduate from high school. Each new school year, as we go through last years contents to see the kids growth and development, I take the contents of the capsules and put them in a regular old legal size envelope. I hole punch the envelopes and put them into a three ring binder for storage. Each child has their own binder, and that is all we have to store until they leave for college or get married and want to take their time capsules with them. What a great way to quickly and simply document all the growth and development that is happening. 

Simple, fun, and memorable. It doesn't get better than that. 

How do you keep your memories?

How do you ring in the new school year?

Anyone have kids in an emersion program? What language are they learning?

 

Are you an Overly Protective Parent?

Do you constantly monitor your kids every move. Is the day filled with warnings and cautions, "be careful" and "don't touch that"?

Naturally, we worry about our children and don't want anything bad to happen to them. But... being overprotective is not the best route to take. In fact, it actually does more harm than good. When we overprotect our kids we keep them from learning the key skills they need to handle the challenges they will face in life and keep them from becoming self sufficient adults. 

This week I had a chance to talk "Overprotective Parenting" on Studio 5 with Brooke Walker. 

Want to know if you are an overprotective parent? 

Want to know how to stop overprotecting your kids?

Take a few minutes and watch the segment. I share the key to knowing if you are overprotective and some great tips for not being too overprotective. It's a good reminder for all of us. 

Should Mothers and Daughters be BFF's? - NO!

Me and My Mom

The has been much said in the media lately about mothers and daughters being BFF's. Articles and blog posts boasting about how moms and daughters share everything together, have no boundaries and are Best Friends Forever. Boasting like it is what we should all be striving for with our girls. 

Given that my husband and I have three girls (with one on the way :), this subject is personal to me, and I couldn't disagree more with the "we should be BFF mentality." Not to mention, I have read enough and studied enough to know that this is not the type of relationship we should be trying to develop with our girls. 

 Might I offer an alternative to the BFF mentality?

Instead of worrying about and striving to be their Best Friend, we need to be worrying and striving to be their BEST PARENT. 

The amazing thing is that by being their Best Mother, we will actually develop a friendship along the way. Yes, a friendship will be the natural byproduct of our energy and effort to be the best parent to our girls that we can be.  

So how can we do that? What can we do to create a strong relationship with our daughters? 

We need to put our love into action.

What does that mean to put our love into action?

Set Boundaries

There needs to be rules and consequences. We also need boundaries concerning what we share with our daughters. We can tell them too much, and that is not good. They do not have the emotional capacity to handle adult problems. Boundaries put us in charge. It doesn’t mean our daughters don’t have a say or can’t express an opinion. But it does mean we are still the parents who are in charge. And remember, boundaries build respect for one another also. 

Always Encourage, Encourage, Encourage

There is an old analogy that has been floating around for years, that our children are like plants. Plants are programmed to grow and blossom and bloom. When the leaves start to wilt, we give the plant more water, light and fertilizer. We wouldn’t think to yell at, or criticize our plants to help them grow. It wouldn’t work.

It is the same with our daughters (and sons). Criticism and negative comments are not going to help them grow. They need our encouragement to see themselves as great people who are capable of great things. They need to know that we are on their side. If we are constantly criticizing, correcting and point out all that they do wrong, they won’t feel good about themselves, they won’t grow. We should always be their biggest fan and their ally. Even when they make wrong choices. 

Make time together a priority.

If we want a strong relationship with our daughters we have to spend time with them. We can’t expect to spend time once a year, and have them automatically open up to us. We need quantity and quality. In fact, we might even need the quantity first. 

Think about a relationship with your spouse. If the two of you only spend time together once a year, or even once a month, you wouldn't feel comfortable opening up and sharing your feelings or thoughts with them. It is the same with our daughters. We need to spend time together regularly so that we have a relationship established that makes our daughters feel comfortable opening up. We have to make time together a regular priority. 

Listen for better communication

Do we listen to the silly stories about what happened on the playground? If our kids don’t feel like we will listen to the little things then why would they ever open up to tell us about the big things. They won’t. We have to give them our attention and respect and listen when they talk. Not listening means we miss an opportunity to learn more about our daughters AND it means that our daughters will stop talking to us.

Build Trust

Trust is build every single day through our interactions. Without that trust, we don’t have strong healthy relationships. We earn our children’s trust by following through with our word, not breaking a confidence and being there to pick them up on time. Remember that strong relationships are built on every single interaction we have with our daughters. Running errands together, doing their hair, working around the house together, everything. It doesn’t have to be monumental interactions.

Do things together

What is your daughter interested in? What does she like to do? Can you find things you like to do together? Do those things together! Doing things together breaks down barriers and puts us on common ground. It allows us to communicate with one another, build memories, and helps us realize that we are more alike then we might think. This is especially helpful during the teenage years.

Going along with this, we need to care about what our daughters care about. For example, our oldest daughter loves American Girl Dolls. I didn’t grow up playing with them, and don’t really care about them too much. But she does, so now I do! I look through the magazines and research all about them so I can support her conversations and participate in playing with them together.

Time to let go of the mentality that we need to be BFF's with our daughters. That should not be our goal. Strive to be the Best Parent and we will naturally be friends with our girls too! We will develop the type of relationship that lasts through the years.

Do you think mothers and daughters should be BFF's?