TEEN WEEK: Raising Teens- "Age of Opportunity"

It's TEEN WEEK here on Family Volley! All week we will be talking about those tough adolescent years, with tips and tricks to not only surviving, but THRIVING! You don't want to miss it!

Just when we think the "two's" are terrible, a parent will argue that it doesn't hold a candle to a 15 year old in the middle of puberty. And with adolescence lasting longer than ever before, it's time to give this stage of life more attention.

To kick off Teen Week I want to introduce you to the best book I have read on the subject. If you have a teen, know a teen, will have a teen one day, or work with teens, you need to read "Age of Opportunity" by Laurence Steinberg.

The book, filled with years of research and findings, clearly explains how the adolescent brain works, which is a necessary place to start if we want to know how to parent them during those years. Steinberg explains that most of our understanding about adolescents are incorrect and gives us the truth about this time in life. By the time you are done, you will have a wonderful understanding of teenagers, how they work, why they do the things they do, and what you need to do to help them become successful adults. Not to mention what we should do in the heat of raising them when we don't think we can survive one more day.

There are solid reasons to be concerned about our adolescents.

• American adolescents continue to underperform teens from many industrialized countries that spend a lot less on schooling. 
• The US once boasted one of the the world's highest college graduation rates. It now doesn't even make the top 10.
• One in 5 American high-school seniors abuses alcohol at least twice a month. 
• Nearly one third of young women in the US will get pregnant at least once by age twenty. The US leads the industrialized world in teen pregnancies and STD's and ranks near the top in adolescent abortions.
• In 2011, nearly one-third of the women who gave birth had never been married.
• Twenty percent of all high-school-aged boys in American take prescription medication for ADHD
• Adolescent obesity is three times more common now than it was in the 1970's.

The findings go on and on. All leading to the understanding that American teenagers are among the world's most miserable. (Steinberg, 2014)

You will not only find solid research, but solutions.

As we head into Teen Week, here are a few understandings that you need to start with. Keep these as your foundation. The rest of the week will build on, and add to them. By the time we are done, you will have a game plan to use for your teenager.

First, adolescents is just as important as the early years in terms of the potential impact of experiences on the brain. A teenagers brain is plastic (Steinberg, 2014). It can be altered by experience. What happens during these crucial years will affect the rest of their lives.

Second, children are maturing earlier than ever before. As parents, we have to be prepared before they are.

Third, we want to be authoritative parents. Demonstrating a good mix of warmth, firmness, and support.

Forth, we can't love our children too much. There is no harm in telling them we love them EVERY day, in showing affection to them every day, in praising them every day.

Those four truths will be the foundation for all we do here during Teen Week. Get ready to take some notes so you can strengthen the relationship with your adolescent.

If you want to get your hands on the "Age of Opportunity" (and you do), you can find it on Amazon, IndieBound, and Barnes and Noble.

What is the hardest part about raising a teenager?

Motherhood - How Not To be a "Tiger Mom"

You might recall a few years ago, when I was asked to read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother for the TLC Book Tour.

Well, a rebuttal has been published, and TLC asked if they could send it my direction.

Tiger Babies Strike Back, continues to open our eyes to the Chinese way of parenting. But unlike many Chinese children, Kim Wong Keltner fought back. And she fought back hard.

The book didn't hit me so much as a rebuttal, more of a complilation of Kim's experiences and how she handled them. Her message is clear. She didn't like how her Chinese mother treated her. She doesn't like the Chinese way of parenting, and she does not parent the Chinese way.

So what is a "Tiger Mother"?"

According to Keltner, "A tiger mother offers no hugs, no sweet nothings whispered into soft little ears, not even a smooch good night. Tiger moms don't exactly cuddle. They don't kiss your boo-boo's when you stumble or scrape the skin off your leg. They are detached, practical to a fault, and don't believe in reassuring. They rule with absolute authority and corporal punishment."

Nothing about the description sounds like motherhood to me. I do not believe that motherhood is cold, or harsh, or forceful. But...Tiger babies left me thinking about motherhood, and how the message of the book applies to all of us.

Here are 5 ways NOT to be a Tiger Mother.

1. Don't withhold love.
Keltner talks about being a silly as a child and posing for a kiss from her mom as she came up the stairs. Her mother refused and called her actions disgusting. One of the worst things we can do as a parent is to withhold our love. For any reason. Even when our children are being silly or misbehave, we still need to love them. Always love them. And not just when they leave for school, or when you put them to bed. Show love on a random Saturday just because your child walks past you in the kitchen. Showing love is not a weakness, nor does it condone misbehavior.

2. Don't Compete with other moms, Cooperate.
This is one of my favorite statements in the entire book. Comparing our children to other's children is not going to inspire our kids to be better. Neither is telling our children all about the successes of other children. Even though we think it might. Maybe in the short term it might get us results, but in the long term it hurts their esteem, efficacy, and our relationship. Just because our children excel in something that our friends children do not, doesn't make us better moms. It is true that our children are a reflection back on us, but controlling them, so we appear a certain way, is not good for us, or for them.

3. Be Present
Tiger Mother's are always jumping ahead. They are never in the now. So concerned about their child being successful in the future, they don't care about what is happening at the moment. Good mothers are in the present. They are worried and planning for the future, but that is not at the expense of right now. I learned this the hard way. When our son was about 7, I was helping him learn basic multiplication. No matter the object lessons, diagrams, or explaining, it just wasn't making sense to him. Laced with frustration I said "if you don't figure out this multiplication, you won't ever get into college." You can imagine the blank stare our 7 year old sent my direction. He needed help with 2 x 2. He didn't ask anything about college. By not focusing on the present, I sent him a message that I didn't care about what he was saying or needing now. It conveyed the message I wasn't listening. Now, does he need to understand multiplication to get into college, yes! But that is for me to worry about in my head, not out loud. He doesn't have the experience or wisdom to understand those grown up topics. We  have to stay right with them, right in the moment. So they trust us and know we are listening and care about the now.

I was reminded to be present again just this week. Our daughter was telling me a story. I was "listening", but the second she was done talking I asked if she was ready for swim. She looked at me and said "Mom, I wasn't even talking about swimming." Again, stay in the present.

4. Don't let our expectations paralyze us.
Tiger mothers have expectations. These expectations span generations. Nothing matters but fulfilling those expectations. As mothers we have to be really careful with our expectations. Ours might not be as absolute as Chinese mothers, but we all have them. It is easy to become paralyzed and close minded when our children don't meet up to those expectations. I have been learning this over the last two years with our son.

For three generations on my side of the family, we have played baseball. Not just little league, but at a collegiate level. My grandfather, my father, and both of my brothers all played. I always expected that our son would do the same. I had these expectations and beliefs about how he would carry on the tradition. Well, it is hard to admit, but he is not passionate about baseball even though he enjoys it. I found myself being very resentful toward him when he wasn't putting forth the effort I felt was needed for him to be on the "collegiate path." I have had to let go of my expectations, see our son for who he is, and support the things he does love and is more passionate about. For a short time, I was paralyzed. I was not flexible or understanding to his feelings at all. This caused stress in our relationship and tainted how I treated him.

5. Don't expect perfection
Tiger mothers expect perfection. And if it is not reached, then their children have failed. No one is perfect, including our children. And until we are perfect, we don't have any room to expect perfection from our children. They are children, they are learning, and so are we. We need to let them to human and normal and learn and grow. They are always willing to give us more chances to get things right as we navigate this parenting gig. We owe them the same respect.

I enjoyed Tiger Babies Strike back. I appreciated learning more about how other cultures parent. The book is easy to read, entertaining and humorous. The situations in the book made me take a step back and ask if I ever act the same way. Because I don't want to act that way.

I can't imagine raising my children the Tiger Mother way. I don't see how it allows our children to grow or to develop. We do need rules, we do need consequences, we do need to help lead and guide and push our children as they learn and develop. But we will find more success and happiness when we mother with love, and compassion and patience. Opposed to close minded force.

I love how this book shows us that we can be a transitional character and make the future better. Maybe we grew up in a home where parenting was not a strong suite. Maybe we grew up in a home where our parents did a fantastic job. Either way, we decide what we will pass on, what type of parent we will be and what we like and didn't like about our upbringing and why. We can make changes, modifications and do better. Every generation can do better.

Where you raised by a tiger mother?
Have you ever had to let go of an expectation you have had?
What characteristic(s) do you think, makes a good mom?



 

Maturation, Communication, and "The Secret to Happy Families"

Tomorrow our son attends Maturation. Yep, 5th grade Maturation. Do any of you have kids who have already been there and done that?

I remember when I had to attend maturation. My parents rarely went out of town when we were kids. But this particular time, they happen to be in England for two weeks. My great-grandparents came to watch us. I had to bring the permission slip home to my great grandmother for a signature if I wanted to attend. It took me three days to bring the subject up with her. I didn't know if I wanted to go or not. I just remember tears and stress because I didn't want her to go with me, but I didn't want to go alone. I just wanted my mom.

I ended up attending the class alone, and everything worked out just fine. I realize in hindsight there was one main reason things worked out. My parents had already started the conversation with me about maturing and the birds and the bees. When they came home from the trip, we sat down again and continued the conversation.

My husband had a completely different experience. His mom told him some false information, in order to avoid talking about touchy subjects. As young kids do, he believed her. One day while having a conversation with his friends, the topics came up and my husband told his friends what he "knew". They laughed at him and told him he was wrong. He defended his mom insisting she was right, until another parent stepped in, to set the record straight. My husband was so embarrassed! Needless to say the experience violated trust and affected future conversations and experiences between the two of them.

We all talk to our children every day. But talking to them is so much more than conversations about schedules and sibling conflict. Successful communication means we are having a series of talks. We are starting conversations that continue over weeks, months, even years, in preparation for what they might face, and what life will have in store.

This doesn't just apply to difficult topics like "maturation." This can apply to everything.

Talking also means telling stories about ourselves. Positive stories that help teach our children, and help them relate to us.

Growing up, my dad always told us stories about when he was growing up. He used stories to relate to us, teach us, and inspire us. I LOVED it. I think about his stories often and appreciate that he tells them to our children. They are being passed down through the generations and continue to bond us together through the ages. It seems that most, if not all the lessons and principles I was taught as a child, were taught through stories.

My husband and I took a challenge not too long ago to work harder to share more personal stories with our children.

Inspired by the thoughts of Bruce Felier in his new book, "The Secrets of Happy Families" we have set out to create a family narrative in our home so our children know our family history and know more about us. We have tried to focus on stories about our successes, and how we have overcome setbacks and challenges.

Last month when our son brought his maturation permission slip home, we sat down to chat. With a renewed dedication to our family narrative, I told our son about the experience I had with my great grandparents when I was in the 5th grade.

We laughed a lot and he gave me that shy funny look he delivers where his eyes go up and his mouth turns down. I told him how I was able to over come a difficult situation.

Our children want to know about us. They want to hear our stories. They find strength in being able to relate to us and find similarities. It is comforting when they can realize that we were kids once too!

We have seen our family relationship strengthen as we have worked harder to weave stories into our conversations and communication. It is a good challenge for all of us.

Tips to having your own "conversations".

• Start early. Open the lines of communication when they are very young so they always know you can talk together about everything. Children will be prepared when situations arise and we won't feel like we are always playing "catch up" with our conversations. 
• Remember, communication is more than just one talk. It is a series of dialogues, an ongoing conversation. 
• Share stories with your family. Focus on sharing positive experiences. 
• Sharing stories about challenges are also great, just be sure you focus on how you overcame the challenge. 
• There is room to talk about mistakes also. Focus on how you fixed the mistake, learned from it, and righted the wrong, more that the actual thing you did wrong.
• There are some things we don't need to tell our children. Think twice. 

Research suggests that the more children know about their parents and grandparents, especially their successes and failures, the more they are able to overcome setbacks. Start creating a family narrative in your home today.

Has your child gone to 5th grade Maturation yet?

How did it go?

Do you tell your children stories about you growning up?

Over the past two years of so, I have been able to participate in the TLC Book Tours. Every book I have reviewed has been fantastic. This last read was The Secrets of Happy Families by Bruce Felier. After 3 years of research, Happy Families aims to share some innovative and less traditional ways of bringing families closer together. Following along on Facebook and Twitter too!

I was given a copy of the book to read. All thoughts and opinions are mine.

Pills Are Not For Preschoolers

When it comes to children, I am a firm believer that if they have behavioral issues, medication is usually not the best treatment. 

That said, every child and every family is different. We all need to do what is best for our situation. But in general it seems that kids are too quickly labeled and prescriptions are too quickly prescribed. There is so much that can be done, besides administering pills, to help our children. 

As part of the TLC Book Tour, I recently read "Pills are Not For Preschoolers" A Drug-Free Approach for Troubled Kids, by Marilyn Wedge. A family therapist for more than twenty years, Wedge believes in treating children's problems not as biologically determined disorders but as responses to relationships in their lives. She teaches how to respond to symptoms of ADHD, depression and anxiety by making family modifications, instead of prescriptions. 

More than five million American children are currently diagnosed with ADHD and other psychiatric disorders. A great number of children experience dangerous emotional and physical side effect from the medications prescribed to help with the diagnoses. Often troubled parents wonder if there are other choices. And there ARE other choices. 

It used to be that when children were having behavioral issues, they were sent away to get "fixed". But, this approach had a very low success rate. Why? Because even though the children changed, learned and improved, they came home to their same old environment. Their family had not changed. And as a result, they went right back to their old ways. 

So much of our children's behavior is a result of their environment. We have talked about his here on Family Volley a number of times. It is hard to accept, but WE can contribute to our children's misbehavior. And misbehavior is usually a response to stress, anxiety, sadness, and problems that they feel as a result of their environment and the people in it. 

"Pills Are Not For Preschoolers" works through a number of different examples from Wedges career. And demonstrates how with good child-focused therapy, pills are the last thing that need to be prescribed. 

Children are smart. They pick up on financial strain, marital stress, health issues, life-stress, frustration, impatience and every other family situation and emotion that we juggle. They respond to the situations by misbehaving. They are also always looking for attention. Attention for doing something good or bad, is still getting them attention. 

Wedges' Drug Free Approach is a must read for all parents. The book is hopeful and encouraging and promotes the same philosophies we talk about here on FV. As you read, you will feel enlightened and empowered as a parent. 

Want to refresh your memory as to how you can change your child's behavior? Review a few favorites here on the blog. One-on-One Time, Avoid the Red Pen, Listen First, Choices, and Commitment.

How do you feel about Medicating Children?