Motherhood - How Not To be a "Tiger Mom"

You might recall a few years ago, when I was asked to read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother for the TLC Book Tour.

Well, a rebuttal has been published, and TLC asked if they could send it my direction.

Tiger Babies Strike Back, continues to open our eyes to the Chinese way of parenting. But unlike many Chinese children, Kim Wong Keltner fought back. And she fought back hard.

The book didn't hit me so much as a rebuttal, more of a complilation of Kim's experiences and how she handled them. Her message is clear. She didn't like how her Chinese mother treated her. She doesn't like the Chinese way of parenting, and she does not parent the Chinese way.

So what is a "Tiger Mother"?"

According to Keltner, "A tiger mother offers no hugs, no sweet nothings whispered into soft little ears, not even a smooch good night. Tiger moms don't exactly cuddle. They don't kiss your boo-boo's when you stumble or scrape the skin off your leg. They are detached, practical to a fault, and don't believe in reassuring. They rule with absolute authority and corporal punishment."

Nothing about the description sounds like motherhood to me. I do not believe that motherhood is cold, or harsh, or forceful. But...Tiger babies left me thinking about motherhood, and how the message of the book applies to all of us.

Here are 5 ways NOT to be a Tiger Mother.

1. Don't withhold love.
Keltner talks about being a silly as a child and posing for a kiss from her mom as she came up the stairs. Her mother refused and called her actions disgusting. One of the worst things we can do as a parent is to withhold our love. For any reason. Even when our children are being silly or misbehave, we still need to love them. Always love them. And not just when they leave for school, or when you put them to bed. Show love on a random Saturday just because your child walks past you in the kitchen. Showing love is not a weakness, nor does it condone misbehavior.

2. Don't Compete with other moms, Cooperate.
This is one of my favorite statements in the entire book. Comparing our children to other's children is not going to inspire our kids to be better. Neither is telling our children all about the successes of other children. Even though we think it might. Maybe in the short term it might get us results, but in the long term it hurts their esteem, efficacy, and our relationship. Just because our children excel in something that our friends children do not, doesn't make us better moms. It is true that our children are a reflection back on us, but controlling them, so we appear a certain way, is not good for us, or for them.

3. Be Present
Tiger Mother's are always jumping ahead. They are never in the now. So concerned about their child being successful in the future, they don't care about what is happening at the moment. Good mothers are in the present. They are worried and planning for the future, but that is not at the expense of right now. I learned this the hard way. When our son was about 7, I was helping him learn basic multiplication. No matter the object lessons, diagrams, or explaining, it just wasn't making sense to him. Laced with frustration I said "if you don't figure out this multiplication, you won't ever get into college." You can imagine the blank stare our 7 year old sent my direction. He needed help with 2 x 2. He didn't ask anything about college. By not focusing on the present, I sent him a message that I didn't care about what he was saying or needing now. It conveyed the message I wasn't listening. Now, does he need to understand multiplication to get into college, yes! But that is for me to worry about in my head, not out loud. He doesn't have the experience or wisdom to understand those grown up topics. We  have to stay right with them, right in the moment. So they trust us and know we are listening and care about the now.

I was reminded to be present again just this week. Our daughter was telling me a story. I was "listening", but the second she was done talking I asked if she was ready for swim. She looked at me and said "Mom, I wasn't even talking about swimming." Again, stay in the present.

4. Don't let our expectations paralyze us.
Tiger mothers have expectations. These expectations span generations. Nothing matters but fulfilling those expectations. As mothers we have to be really careful with our expectations. Ours might not be as absolute as Chinese mothers, but we all have them. It is easy to become paralyzed and close minded when our children don't meet up to those expectations. I have been learning this over the last two years with our son.

For three generations on my side of the family, we have played baseball. Not just little league, but at a collegiate level. My grandfather, my father, and both of my brothers all played. I always expected that our son would do the same. I had these expectations and beliefs about how he would carry on the tradition. Well, it is hard to admit, but he is not passionate about baseball even though he enjoys it. I found myself being very resentful toward him when he wasn't putting forth the effort I felt was needed for him to be on the "collegiate path." I have had to let go of my expectations, see our son for who he is, and support the things he does love and is more passionate about. For a short time, I was paralyzed. I was not flexible or understanding to his feelings at all. This caused stress in our relationship and tainted how I treated him.

5. Don't expect perfection
Tiger mothers expect perfection. And if it is not reached, then their children have failed. No one is perfect, including our children. And until we are perfect, we don't have any room to expect perfection from our children. They are children, they are learning, and so are we. We need to let them to human and normal and learn and grow. They are always willing to give us more chances to get things right as we navigate this parenting gig. We owe them the same respect.

I enjoyed Tiger Babies Strike back. I appreciated learning more about how other cultures parent. The book is easy to read, entertaining and humorous. The situations in the book made me take a step back and ask if I ever act the same way. Because I don't want to act that way.

I can't imagine raising my children the Tiger Mother way. I don't see how it allows our children to grow or to develop. We do need rules, we do need consequences, we do need to help lead and guide and push our children as they learn and develop. But we will find more success and happiness when we mother with love, and compassion and patience. Opposed to close minded force.

I love how this book shows us that we can be a transitional character and make the future better. Maybe we grew up in a home where parenting was not a strong suite. Maybe we grew up in a home where our parents did a fantastic job. Either way, we decide what we will pass on, what type of parent we will be and what we like and didn't like about our upbringing and why. We can make changes, modifications and do better. Every generation can do better.

Where you raised by a tiger mother?
Have you ever had to let go of an expectation you have had?
What characteristic(s) do you think, makes a good mom?



 

"The Anti-Romantic Child"-TLC Book Tour

My husband and I have great hopes for our children. We dream of what their futures will be like. We work to provide opportunities that help them grow and develop. We want them to be happy and healthy and successful.

We all have hopes and dreams for our children. Don't we? We wait for them to join our family, and then have visions of how we hope their lives will go.

But what happens when our dreams for our kids, and for our families, don't come true, or can't come true? When our vision for their future is interrupted for what-ever-reason?

I have been thinking about this a lot lately after recently reading "The Anti-Romantic Child, A Memoir of Unexpected Joy", by Priscilla Gilman.

Priscilla was a new mom with her own ideas of what children and childhood should be like. She was a professor at Yale, writing her dissertation, trying to get tenure. And then her first child, Benjamin was born. Just like you and me, Priscilla had hopes and dreams for her son.

But as Benjamin grew, his brilliance was associated with a developmental disorder that would dramatically alter the course of Priscilla's dreams for her son and her family. As Benjamin gets older, she has to continually deal with the fact that her own expectations would never be met.

Priscilla teaches Romantic poetry and uses excerpts from Wordsworth's poetry to mourn the loss of the romantic child she though she would have. She comes to realize the need to re-imagine the expectations and hopes she had for her children, her family and for herself. She finds joy in a very unexpected life, she never dreamed of.

Although we might not all deal with a child who has special needs, like Priscilla, we will all deal with unexpected, and unfulfilled hopes and dreams. We all deal with realizations that our lives are not going how we had always planned.

Maybe our husbands loose their jobs and we are faced with the uncertainty of employment. Maybe we can't have children, or our relationships don't go as planned, for whatever reason. Maybe we dreamed our kids would be athletes, but they don't like sports. Or maybe our daughters don't want to follow in our footsteps and play the violin.

We think for so long, that the joy in our lives will come from seeing our dreams fulfilled. We think that our joy will come from our children turning out just like we dreamed. But the fact of the matter is that if we are always waiting for our dreams to come to pass, we miss out on living life as it is now. We miss out on the children in front of us, and the world around us. We can get so busy looking for the perfect children, doing perfect things, that we miss out on loving the children we have been given.

All of our children are perfect. They are perfect for us and for our families. They all fulfill our hopes and dreams, they are just dreams we might not yet know we have.

There is a part in the book, where Priscilla is talking to her pediatrician. The doctor says "this child has been given to you, for a reason." And isn't that the case for all of us. Our children have been given to us for a reason. It might not be a reason we dreamed of, or understand yet. But for a reason.

It might be in unexpected ways, but our children will exceed all the hopes and dreams we have ever had, if we will let them.

Do you have any hopes or dreams that have not happened like you thought?

For more information about Priscilla Gilman and the book visit her website, her Facebook page, or follow her on Twitter. 


I was sent a copy of the Anti Romantic Child and asked to review it as part of the tlc book tour. I love this tour. It always opens my eyes to great books that help me evaluate being a wife and mother. Thoughts and opinions are all mine. The Anti-Romantic Child is a fantastic book. Heart wrenching and wonderful. Whether you have a special needs child, or just want to love your own children better, read this book. 

"Take A Deep Breath"-A Great Resource for ALL Parents

When I am introduced to a "good thing", I want to share. The hope is always that it helps someone else like it has helped me. Remember the headband hair tutorial. :) Well, I have run into a fantastic book that every parent should have. I know I wish I would have had it when we had our first child.

When we had our son over 9 years ago, I worried about everything. EVERYTHING. As a new parent, with little experience, any deviations from what seemed "normal", was concerning. I remember the first time he got sick. He was stuffed up and having a hard time breathing. I didn't sleep at all that night. I laid on the floor next to his crib and listened all night, making sure that I could hear him breath.

I remember pulling out all my "baby books", looking for a resource that could tell me how worried I should be about him. Something to tell me about symtoms that should concern me, and when to call the doctor. I sure wish I had "Take a Deep Breath" back then. It would have calmed my fears, and helped me know how to handle the breathing and sickness. I would have gotten a lot more sleep. :)

"Take a Deep Breath" is a new book by Dr. Nina Shapiro. The entire book is about kids and breathing. The book is so well written, I have found myself reading though it just for fun even though no one in our house is sick or has a breathing problem at the moment. That is when you know a book is good.

At first, breathing made me think only of asthma. I was way off. This book is asthma and a million other things you question when you have a child. Broken up by age (newborn to 3 months, three months to one year, and one year to five years), "Take a Deep Breath" covers everything from sickness to choking to asthma and adenoids. Advice about feeding, and vaccines as well as runny noses. I used it as a reference last night because our daughter was snoring. I wondered if that was normal. Yep, it is. 

It is written in a Question and Answer format and after reading it I had to laugh because I think I have asked nearly every question in the entire book. The other thing I love about this book is that each chapter ends with "The Big Picture" (a summary), "Don't Worry" which tells you what you don't have to worry about, and then "Worry". A section that tells you if you need to call a doctor and get help.  Wheezing, croup, stuffy noses. All your questions are answered. And Dr. Shapiro is funny. I like funny. 

Just having "Take a Deep Breath" in the house has let my husband and I breath easier. Research shows 80-90% of all children have a breathing problem, so Chances are, "Take a Deep Breath" will be helpful in your house too. 


Do you have a child who snores?
Ever wonder when you should call the doctor?

About The Author:

Dr. Nina L. Shapiro is the Director of Pediatric Otolaryngology and an Associate Professor at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA. As the first fellowship-trained pediatric otolaryngologist at the medical center since it was founded in 1955; her presence has put UCLA ‘on the map’ in her field. A graduate of Harvard Medical School and Cornell University, College of Arts and Sciences (cum laude), she completed her surgical internship at Boston’s Beth Israel Hospital and her residency at The Massachusetts Eye and Ear Infirmary, also in Boston. Shapiro completed additional subspecialty training in pediatric otolaryngology at The Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children in London and The Children’s Hospital of San Diego.

A native of New York, Shapiro has been honored with several prestigious awards including; The American Society of Pediatric Otolaryngology Charles Ferguson Award for Clinical Research, The UCLA Head and Neck Surgery Faculty Teaching Award and The American Academy of Pediatrics Young Investigators Award among others. She was named a “Super Doctor” by Los Angeles Magazine in 2008 and is listed in “Who’s Who in America”.

Shapiro is a Fellow of American Academy of Otolaryngology-Head and Neck Surgery, The American Academy of Pediatrics and The American College of Surgeons. Other professional society memberships include: The American Society of Pediatric Otolaryngology, The American Rhinologic Society, the Society for Ear, Nose, and Throat Advances in Children, the American Cleft Palate-Craniofacial Association, The American Broncho-Esophagological Association, Society for University Otolaryngologists, and The Los Angeles Pediatrics Society.

Shapiro lives in Los Angeles with her husband and children, and is active in several charities.

Connect With The Author:
Website

Tiger Mother Roars-Is it Worth Listening?

Review: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

A few months ago I was asked to review an upcoming book. By now you have probably heard about it. It was the positions on parenting that brought Family Volley and The Tiger Mother together. When I agreed I had no idea how controversial this book would be. 

The root of the controversy is easy to see. As I started to read about Chua and her Chinese ways, I couldn't help but wonder in what chapter of the book Social Services would make their appearance. Her story about putting her three year outside to stand in weather with wind chill of twenty below because she wouldn't practice the piano, struck me as abuse too. 

I thought I would continue reading with outrage. I thought I would be mad. I wasn't. Tiger Mother has left me with so much to think about that I am having trouble organizing my thoughts. I am not going to give you a Tiger Mother history. Google the book and you will get all you need about the fact that she is a Law Prof. at Yale and a second generation Chinese American. You can also read all the yay's and nay's. 

According to the book, the Chinese Way is extreme parenting at its finest. Chinese parenting believes "schoolwork always comes first, an A minus is a bad grade, you should never compliment your children in public, the only activities your children should be permitted to do are those in which they can eventually win a medal, and that medal must be gold." Different than the Western parenting philosophies that "believe in providing children with a nurturing environment where individuality is respected and kids are encouraged to pursue their passions." 

This said...After reading the book, here are a number of things on my mind...Food for thought...

The way we were raised has a huge affect on how we raise our children. If we liked the way our parents did things, if we are comfortable with what we have become, then we will do things the same way. If we don't like the way our parents did things we are more likely to do things differently. Tiger Mother was raised the Chinese Way. So were her parents and their parents. It worked for them. It is all she knows. It is important that as parents we develop our own way of parenting. We should work with our spouses to do what is best for our families. 

There are plenty of Chinese children that are not math whizzes, gold medalists and piano protégés. Just like there are plenty of Western children that are math whizzes, gold medalists, and piano protégés. 

In my opinion, Chua's extreme Chinese parenting practices are outlandish and ofter ridiculous. There is yelling and force and many many threats, coupled with more yelling. Her daughters are required to practice piano and violin for hours on end. They are given zero opportunities to have friends or play. I don't agree with any of this. Many a successful child has and will be raised in nurturing environments where they are encouraged to pursue their passions void of yelling and force.

We have to be careful when we stereotype. Not all kids who like the drums will become drug addicts, and not all Western parents have low expectations for their children. 

Studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend roughly 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. It has been said that love is spelled T-I-M-E. As parents we all need to spend more time working with and helping our children. 

The Chinese way of parenting is void of choice. Children have no say. Children need choice. Sometimes as parents, when faced with a little opposition from our kids, we fold. As a result we live in a time where kids expect, and assume they should have what they want when they want it, without working for it. As parents we do need to stand strong. There are times when we do know best and we need to stand our ground. 

As parents we often want our children to do certain things and act certain ways because it will make us look good. Good grades mean a good parent, as do good manners. We have to be careful not to manipulate our children just so we look like great parents. In Tiger mother it is all about how the parents look. Disobedient children are a disgrace to their parents. Although we want our children to love and respect and obey us. We have to realize that it is not all about us. 

This is not a parenting book filled with "you should's" and "how too's. Chua simply gives us a glimpse into why Chinese parents do things the way they do and how a Chinese parent understands and views Western Ways. 

Don't look at it as a parenting manual. Chua is not telling anyone how parenting should be done. Her views are stepped in tradition, history, habit and expectations. 

It is easy to be taken a back by Chua's stereotypes and assumptions. She makes harsh statements about Westerners lack of drive and vision for their children. It can be easy to be offended and put off. She does feel her parenting style is best.

At the same time, I was able to evaluate the type of parent I am and am trying to become. I have struggled to keep our son practicing the piano for 30 minutes. I know what it is like to face the homework battle. Each time we have a situation I have to decide how I want to handle it. Do I want to yell and threaten? Or, do I have the knowledge that can help me handle the situation without the force? I do, and I believe that will produce the same results, if not greater ones. 

We do need to expect great things from our children. If we don't, who will.

We do need to make sacrifices to help them succeed and improve.  

Because of the Tiger Mother's parenting style she almost looses her second daughter. There is an instance when Chua realizes this and makes changes to save the relationship. She cannot abandon her Chinese ways altogether, but she tries to find some compromise. This applies to all of us. We need to be humble as parents. We need to recognize when what we are doing isn't working and modify. We are not perfect. 

Each of our children will be different. They are not cookie cutters. What worked for the first, might not for the second and third. The sooner we realize this, the better parents we can be. 

I really enjoyed reading this book. It was quick to get through, easy to follow, and left me with so much to think about I am considering starting a weekly post on Family Volley were we address some of the topics I have touched on above. Read it, evaluate your feelings and address your own parenting style. It does what any good book does, sends you through a whirlwind of emotions. All centered around one of the most important things we can do, raise children. 

This is the story of a mothers journey to raise her children. I am a mother on the same journey.  

HAVE ANY OF YOU READ TIGER MOTHER?

DO YOU THINK PARENTING CAN BE DONE WITHOUT ALL THE YELLING?

Want to read how Chua's daughter feels about all the Tiger mom criticism?

A special thanks to Trish and TLC BOOK TOURS. And to the publisher for sending a copy of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.