A Confession

I must confess. It is 2:45 am and I just got back from the movies. Can you guess which one? It is a long and painful story. It was painful while I was there, and it will be MORE painful in three hours when I have to get up. I will defend, explain, justify, tell you about it when I regain my senses.

ANYONE ELSE SPEND THE WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING AT THE MOVIE THEATRE?

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Consequences

Am I in Trouble?

So your kids wont listen, or they have done something wrong. Now it is time to enforce a consequence. But what are you going to do?

I wish there was a perfect answer for this question. There isn't, but there are some important guidelines that will provide a lot of clarity.

• Don't ever withhold love as a consequence. When a child gets in trouble they will often rush in for a hug. Don't refuse them. Give them the hug, show love and affection, and THEN enforce the consequence. 

• Do not use physical force as a response to physical misbehavior. For example. If your child hits you, don't hit them back. In the long run it will not teach the right lesson. It is especially confusing to small children. "You just told me not to hit and then you hit me, I don't understand."

• Make it clear before things go South, that there are consequences for bad behavior. Talk about it when no one is doing anything wrong. Often times, especially when kids are small, they don't know they have done something wrong until they get in trouble. Set clear expectations and clear consequences if the expectations are not met. 

• After you have given the warning, if the behavior doesn't immediately change, clearly state the consequence and then enforce. You don't have to explain, justify, negotiate, anything. Enforce the consequence and explain at a later time. When things calm down. 

• If it is time to enforce a consequence, don't give in. Giving in sends the wrong message to your kids. They will push and push knowing that you are a "softy." They won't ever take you seriously.

• No idol threats. If you say, "if you yell at me again you will go to your room," and they yell at you again, You BETTER send them to their room. 

• It is okay to allow kids to have a say in their "punishments", just be sure they are adequate and reasonable.

• The general rule for time out, 1 minute in time out for ever year your child is old. Time out should not be used for children under 3. A very mature 2 year old, maybe. But as a general rule 3 or older. 

• When looking for consequences, think about the offense. What would right the wrong? That is a good place to start. What would teach the correct principle, the consequence could be practicing? 

Great, now we have some guidelines, but specifics? What are some specific things that can be done when you need a consequence.

There are two that seem to work the best...

1. Time out, time away, go to your room, whining chair, it talks on many names. 

A child who is not listening, yelling or talking back, mistreating siblings or friends, needs to be removed from the situation. They can be sent to their room or sent to a specific chair or location. The lesson is, "if you are going to misbehave, then you can't be apart until you change your actions." 

When I tell our daughter that she needs to go to her room she quickly hollers "please, give me one more chance." I did the first time and it back fired on me. Duh! Practice what you preach Heather. The misbehaving didn't stop even though I gave her one more chance. The next time, having learned my lesson, no more chances. Straight to her room. She immediately realized I was serious and her behavior changed. Lesson learned, no idol threats, and we must be consistent.

Remember the rule with time out or away: 1 minute for each year a child is old. (5 year old=5 minutes)

     2. Lose of privilege.

Take a few minutes right now and think about each of your children. What means the most to them? What do they value? 

Our son values technology, TV and computer time, and swimming with his Grandpa.

Our daughter values anything social, swimming with Grandpa, friends, and running errands.

Our youngest values playing outside and books, oh and swimming with Grandpa. 

BE SURE THE PRIVILEGE YOU TAKE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN CONTROL. TOYS, TV, COMPUTER, CELL PHONE,  SOCIAL OUTINGS, ETC...

It is these privileges that are the first to go when they misbehave.

Example:

On Saturday the kids were taking forever to make their beds and straighten their rooms because they were struggling to cooperate. They know this has to be done before we go swimming. They also know that if they take forever that they don't get to swim as long or at all. We were late to swim and their hour and a half of swimming was shortened to 35 minutes. They were sad but learned their lesson. Guess who got all their work done "really fast" today. Yep, the kids were not going to miss out again. Now, we could have stayed at the pool for the entire hour and a half, but by enforcing the loss of privilege, they learned. 

When our son is not treating his sisters kindly, he looses TV time, or computer time. 

When our daughter misbehaves in a store, she misses out on the next errand. 

So much of it is about consistency.

Some families find success using a PRIVILEGE CHART.

Take pictures (or draw pictures) of the thing's your child can't live without. Your child looses one privilege starting from least favorite to most favorite for misbehaving or talking back. This will change as their interests and ages change. For younger children it is probably toys, treats, and TV. When they get older it will be time with friends, curfews, cell phones, car privileges, etc. 

Other specific ideas:

• If your child is rude to someone, talks back- insist they apologize. If they are to young, have them draw an apology picture. Sometimes even if they apologize a written letter is also appropriate. 
• If your child talks back when they have friends over, or mistreats a friend-send the friend home. This is a powerful one. 
• If your child is rude or mean to other children-have them do something nice for that person, or take them to serve others. 
• If your child uses bad manners-have them practice good manners. 10 times is a good amount. This could be chewing with their mouths closed, saying please and thank you etc. 
• If your child refuses to stay in time out-add another minute. Add a minute twice and then start taking away privileges. 
• If your child gets out of the "chair"-put them right back in it. 
• If you pay an allowance for chores in your home, and your child does not do their chores-Don't pay the allowance. That's final. You can also have someone else do the child's chore and the pay comes out of the delinquent child's allowance. 
• If you don't pay for chores and your child is not doing what they are asked-they have to choose an extra chore from a list you create. If they still don't do it-lose of privilege. 
• If your child won't do their homework-they loose privileges. For a child to do their homework alone in their room, they need to prove that they can stay on task when left alone. Otherwise, they need to do homework "in public."

All that said, it really comes down to the child and what will work with them. Trial and error will help you understand each child. Always stay calm, cool and collected. Be in charge and be confident. BE CONSISTENT and don't give up. A bad day doesn't mean all is lost. There will be another time to be strong and enforce consequences. Stick with it. And always always always follow the reprimand with an increase in LOVE. Always. 

WHAT'S YOUR LEVERAGE? WHAT CAN'T YOUR CHILD LIVE WITHOUT?

DOES THIS HELP? (Andrea)

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Working for the Weekend

Blast from the past. It's okay to sing along.  

Every Monday in class I ask my students about their weekend. I ask if they did anything fun, new, exciting, anything. The first time they stare at me, "does my professor really care what I did this weekend?" Then they realize I am genuinely asking. By the third week of school so many hands are raised it is hard to get through the lecture. I ask for two reasons.

First because I care. They are people and it helps me get to know them. How they spend their free time teaches me what they value and how they feel about their lives. Just like Loverboy, they live for their weekends. I also learn who just got engaged, who has been sick, who has family in town, you name it. Knowing these things helps me understand and teach them more effectively.

The second reason is because there are 100 other students who need ideas. Who are looking for the latest store opening, hike, movie, concert, game etc.

I am going out on a limb here. I could be setting myself up for rejection. I hope not.

So, it's Monday, tell me, "What did you do this weekend?"

It need not be extravagant, expensive, or overly exciting. It could simply be "hang out with my family." What ever you did, will you share? Let's not only get to know each other better, but let's share our ideas with one another.

I am thinking about doing this every Monday, maybe with a little "linky" party. It would be something easy and quick for you to write about. You probably already do. What do you think? Would you like to participate in a "linky" party about your weekends?

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This Week on Family Volley- there will be a GIVEAWAY!

I am so excited...

This week on Family Volley is going to be great.

We are going to talk about consequences, a question I have been asked quite a bit lately, most recently from Andrea....  

A new parenting technique Nichole asked about, Mindful Parenting....

A YUMMY Family Fun Friday....

And... A GIVEAWAY! Woo Hoo, a great big fantastic celebrate July giveaway. You will love it.

I am also trying to comment more on your comments, so don't forget to check back so you can follow the conversations. 

And the Tour de France starts this week. Anyone going to watch?

And... sorry for all the and's.

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FAMILY FUN FRIDAY! The Kleenex Game

Kleenex aren't just for runny noses anymore.

For this game all you need is a Kleenex for each person.

To play
1. Give everyone their own Kleenex to put on the top of their head. To make it fair, adults and taller people get down on their knees so that everyone's heads are as level as possible, especially if there are very small children.
2. Once everyone has their Kleenex in position, spread out around the room. Hands behind your backs.
3. Say "Go" and everyone starts moving around either by walking or on their knees.
4. Once you start moving, the goal is to get the other players' Kleenex to fall off their heads. You can do this by blowing hard or chasing them so they move fast enough that the movement blows it off. Making them laugh or look up is always my strategy. Remember, you can't use your hands, or any other props to knock others Kleenex off, or keep yours on.
5. Once someone's Kleenex falls off their head they are "out" and the remaining players keep going until the last player has their tissue on their head.

We play this game inside in the Winter, and outside on the grass in the Summer. It is great for little kids. When our youngest was still crawling our older kids would put a Kleenex on her head while she crawled around and pretended to play.

I HOPE THIS GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO DO THIS WEEKEND!
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B2B Marketplace

Because I am Hungry.

It is late and I have been at church meetings all night. I MISSED dinner and now I am HUNGRY. Really hungry. I don't care that it is 10:56 at night. I am going to make this family favorite. My mom started making it when I was a kid. Its not a secret. It is all over the web. I am going to make it right now. And then sit down and eat it. I won't regret it in the morning because it is that good. Anyone else hungry? Give me 25 minutes and come on over. I will save you a fork. I will be eating right out of the bowl. Hope you don't mind.

In case you can't make it to my house tonight, tomorrow will work, there will be leftovers. Or, here's the recipe. Goes with the theme for the week. I am "sharing". When you make it, eat it, enjoy it, think of me. And how grateful I am for you. And how wonderful I think you all are. This blogosphere is filled with strong women who are making families stronger. Thank you for that.

LOOK GOOD? If you don't make it today, add it to your menu for the 4th. PREPARE YOURSELF, PEOPLE MIGHT ASK FOR THE RECIPE. :)

Family Volley

p.s. I usually do the overnight in the fridge, but no time, too hungry. 

Bowtie Chicken Salad

Dressing

1cup oil

1/2 tsp salt

6 tablespoons sugar

2/3 cup white whine vinegar


2/3 cup teriyaki sauce


1/2 teaspoon pepper


Whisk all the dressing ingredients together and set aside

Ingredients

16oz. Bowtie pasta, boiled until tender


6 large chicken breasts, boiled till cooked, cut into bite size pieces. 


3 can mandarin oranges, drained


2 cups water chestnuts, drained


1/2 cup parsley, finely chopped


1 bunch green onions, chopped


3/4 cup honey roasted peanuts


6oz. cranberries


10oz. fresh spinach (add spinach before serving)


1/4 cup sunflower seeds

Combine all the ingredients except the spinach. Place overnight in the refrigerator in a tupperware or ziplock bag.

Before serving: Mix together refrigerated ingredients and spinach…serve.

Image courtesy of Crazibeautiful.com.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

What else can we do to keep arguments and rivalries at bay?

Well... as parents we can butt out. Yep that's right. The more involved you are getting with your children's arguments, the more they will argue. Kids need to figure out how to solve their own fights. If you are going to get involved, do it before the argument gets heated. In fact, it is great to look for ways to keep the arguments from happening, but once they do, allow some space and let your kids handle it.

If you have to get involved because the conflict is too escalated, be fair. Don't take sides. Take the middle ground and only share your opinion when your kids can't figure out a resolution.

Spend alone time with each of your children. A few minutes every day is the best, but at least once a week your child needs just you. Make this alone time special. Do what the child wants to do. Listen, praise, love, enjoy one another's company. Grab an ice cream, pick out a new book, see a movie. Families are busy so the best way to do this is to evaluate how your family time is spent. I spend one on one time with our daughter when our youngest is sleeping and our son is at school. Alone time with our son is spent each night after our girls go to bed. Most of our alone time is at home. Every few weeks we schedule something special to do with each of them away from home.

Distract. Parents can tell when their children are about to loose it. We know when arguments are escalating, when fights are going to break out, and when buttons are being pushed. When you see tempers are rising, distract and separate. I used this today. There was some frustration over a water gun. We only have one. That is the first problem. I knew what was about to happen so I grabbed our daughter and brought her in for some apples and a drink. We started talking about other things and avoided what would have been a major argument.  We used this a couple times over Father's Day weekend. Cousins were in town. All the kids get along great for the first three days, and then as everyone gets tired and the excitement wears off, we know what is coming. Tears and arguments. The first time this happened (a few years ago) it caught me off guard. Not any more. I can see it coming and I make sure that our kids have time away from their cousins. I don't make a big deal about it. I just take them with me to the store, or read them a quick book upstairs. Anything to make space between them and their cousins. It has been great. No more cousin breakdowns or arguments.

When there has been a fight or argument, let each child tell their side of the story. Children need to know they are being heard. Give each child equal time to talk and explain. As one child talks the other child or children should be expected to listen and not interrupt. When they are done, repeat what they have said so it is clear that you have heard them. Once you have heard all the versions, ask "What can we do to solve the problem?". Don't ask "who started it," or "what happened." This won't help the situation or future situations.

For the Future:
Help your children develop friendships outside their siblings. Don't let friends take over your family, but kids need sibling AND friends. When one of your children has friends coming over, give them space from other siblings. Especially as your children get older.

Remember when we talked about teaching children to see other's view points?  We talked about asking our children the".... how would you feel if....?" questions? This is important when you are trying to minimize arguments also. Help your children see other points of view. We used this one today also. Again with the water gun. After eating apples with our daughter I talked to our son. I asked him how he would feel if he didn't have a water gun and his sister wouldn't share hers? His eyes changed as he looked down and mumbled "I would feel bad." In that moment he saw things from his sister's side and I knew there had been some realization.

As families, if we don't help our kids deal with their feelings they will keep them inside and start to resent their siblings. So why not hold family meetings. A time when everyone can sit down and work through things that "aren't fair", or that are frustrating. We have a family meeting once a month. The kids talk about all the things that are bugging them. It is controlled, casual and treats always follow. There is laughing and negotiation. Both are necessary in families. We start the meeting by saying nice things first. At the end everyone gives everyone else a hug. Another way to set these meetings up is one on one with a parent. My husband sits down with our kids once a month also. It is amazing what they tell him. They are honest and open and it provides a lot of insight into what we can do better as parents. Both of these situations allow our kids to express how they feel and to be heard.

Encourage children to solve their own problems.
-To do this, teach children to be respectful. That means no name calling, and take turns listening and being respectful while the other person talks. Everyone gets a turn to talk.
-Teach children to talk about how they are feeling, not blame others. "I get angry when you take my toy." "I get hurt feelings when you say mean things to me."
-Teach your children to only state the facts.
-Teach your children to solve the problem. In our house we tease that we don't want to hear about the problem unless there is blood. :) When they come running to us, we encourage them to go back to the "scene of the crime" and work things out. Funny how they take care of things themselves nearly every time. With some practice they will feel much more confident taking care of their own issues.

Lastly...
Here are some quick tips. Be consistent with them and you will see changes in your children's behavior.

• Don't tolerate name calling, hitting or hurtful behavior in your home. Make consequences for these behaviors before hand and ENFORCE them. Enforce them every time.
• No tattle telling. When my kids come tattling I always stop them and say, "unless this is something nice that will keep your brother or sister out of trouble, I don't want to hear it." 
• I try not to get involved. Unless I was there and saw what happened, I really try to stay out of it.
• No yelling. Again, yelling has consequences. Enforce them. 
• In our home we also have a rule that you can't take someone else's things unless you ask. This has taken care of a lot of our sibling arguments.

If there is a lot of arguing and name calling in your home, start by enforcing the new rules. Then patiently wait while changes occur. Kids are learning to live in this great big world with everyone else. It takes time.

WHAT CONSEQUENCES DO YOU ENFORCE WHEN YOUR CHILDREN NAME CALL OR HIT?

Do Your Kids Fight? Trick Question?

Remember daydreaming about your future kids. They would play so nicely together. No one would ever fight or tease, bicker, tattle, name call or argue?
Then you had kids and you realized that was all a nice dream. :) Me too.

Kids are not always going to get along. There are going to be times when all heck breaks loose. But, there are some things we as parents can do to help realize those pre-child dreams. (This is going to take a post or two.)

Siblings who are closer in age and the same gender are more likely to argue and fight. That said, every age is different. Understanding the tendencies of different ages can really help us deal with our children.

Young Children are impulsive and don't have the maturity to solve problems.
-Two-to-Four year olds have a conflict every ten minutes.
-Three-to-Seven year olds, about 3-4 times as hour.

The "high time" for sibling fights is between the ages of five-to-eleven.
-Five year olds are more likely to care for and tend to younger siblings.
-Six year olds have a hard time compromising and tend to be overbearing. They are competitive and don't like to lose. They are good at yelling "it's not fair." (Yep, that was our son at 6.)
-Seven year olds are less competitive and usually less aggressive. They tend to be protective of younger siblings.
-Eight year olds tend to argue, they struggle to forgive. They don't like younger siblings to tag along and often comment that they "need private time." Funny, they don't want younger siblings with them, but they want to go everywhere their older siblings go.

It is very normal around Nine or so for kids to start seeking acceptance from their friends and wanting some space. Give it to them. They need to have time with their friends, without their younger siblings. Space granted will help sibling relationships improve. Regardless, nine year olds love to tell you "who started it."
-Ten year olds really start to get along better with their siblings.
-Eleven year olds can be high strung and like to tease.
-Twelve year olds start to mature and you see huge improvements in the arguing and fighting.
-Thirteen year olds want to be friends with their siblings. Especially the ones closest to their age. Arguments are usually over "things" borrowed or ruined.

It seems that just when you hit a good age, it is followed by a challenging one. Children are so wonderful. They are in a constant state of learning and figuring out. They are trying to navigate the unknown. It takes time, experiences, maturity and patience. When our son was 6, oh baby. He was so competitive it started to cause a lot of struggles. Understanding that that was part of his development and that it would pass was very helpful.  We dealt with it, and waited it out. Sure enough, it took care of itself.

For starters, try to figure out why your kids are fighting.

• Do their personalities or priorities clash? Differing priorities is often the cause of arguments between siblings that are different genders. Our son thinks army men, mystery books, and light sabers are priorities. Our daughter things princesses, playing house, and anything pink are priorities. Most of their arguments are because they disagree on what they should do together.
• You and your spouse fight, so your children are just "copying" what they see. 
• Your kids don't have time to be alone. This is very important. Have your children take time everyday to be alone. It has made a big difference in the number of arguments in our home. 
• Your kids don't have the opportunity to express their feelings. They don't feel like anyone listens to them so they let the frustration build up and then explode, taking it out on whoever is around. That is usually a sibling. 
• There are stresses at home. Money problems, marriage problems, sickness. Children will respond to the stress by loosing patience and fighting. They don't know how else to deal with it.. 
• Your children are too young to express how they feel. They are not old enough to solve the problems. 

Next, catch them in the act. See if you can watch your children argue. Observe why it started? Could you see it coming? What goes on during the argument? How did your kids respond and how did you respond? Do they always fight over the same things? 

Look for solutions that you can implement to help prevent the contention.

Evaluate your behavior.

Do you play favorites? Do you take sides? Expect more from one child than another? Listen to one child more than the others? Compare children and their accomplishments? Give one child more responsibility? Show equal interest in what each child is doing and saying? Could the fuel behind the arguing fire be your actions? I have to be careful with this one. I find myself naturally asking our son who is the oldest, to do more than our daughter. I expect him to keep the peace, fulfill not only his responsibilities, but sometimes our daughters also. If I am not careful, he gets hit with more than his fair share. 

Don't promote competition amongst siblings. 

-Never compare your kids. 

-Don't label your children. You gave them names when they were born. Don't replace their names with the smart one, the athletic one, the nice one, the slow one. The labels will stick, good and bad. There can be detrimental consequences. 

-Have your children work together. Don't make everything a race to beat each other. We have experienced this one first hand also. We try to never say, "who can get in bed the fastest?" Instead, if they want to race, it is against themselves, or how fast they did it last time. We also have our children work together to accomplish jobs. Our daughter who is younger holds the trash bag while our son dumps the trash in the bag. Our daughter puts the clean silverware away, while our son puts the plates and bowls away. After an argument I always have our kids hug also. They can't be mad when they have to hug. The hard feelings fall away as the two of them start laughing. Tonight we had a little "spat". Once we worked it out I said "give each other a hug." Our daughter stood like a limp fish. So I said "give each other a kiss." Our kids are only 7 and 5 so this is still okay. I said it and they looked at each other and immediately started laughing. It was great. 

-Schedule alone time when your kids can be by themselves.

-Praise your children when they get along.

-Acknowledge each child's special talents. Kids are different. That is good. Recognize what each of your children are good at and help them cultivate that talent. It will make them feel special.

----Break-----

Tomorrow, what to do with all the arguing and fighting. As well as some good rules to help your kids solve their own problems. Really.

WHAT DO YOUR KIDS FIGHT ABOUT?

IS IT EVER HARD AS A PARENT TO NOT COMPARE YOUR KIDS?

HOW DO YOU HANDLE ARGUMENTS IN YOUR HOME?

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Do You Share Recipes? Weigh In.

We had a nice weekend. I hope you did too. We had family in town last week. And more family over for Father's Day dinner. The food tasted great and the cupcakes, remember the cupcakes. They were a huge hit. It is a good feeling when things turn out.

While my husband's family was in town we went to his cousins for a family BBQ. I was asked to bring a salad. I brought a family favorite. The hostess asked for the recipe.

Before I could respond to the request, one of the women said, "Or are you one of those people who don't share their recipes? Hahaha!"

Yeow!

I was going to share until you put it that way. I thought.

I avoided the request the rest of the night but have been thinking about it ever since.

Where do I stand on this subject?

On one hand, I am always SOOOO grateful when someone is willing to share a recipe with me. Almost all of our favorite recipes have come from someone else. Either a relative, friend, a cookbook or a website. I specifically remember a time when I had to entertain for Easter. A big holiday in our home. With two days notice and my mom not around to help, I had to feed 24 people. I called my dear friend Megan and asked for two recipes that she had served at a party a few weeks earlier. She didn't even bat an eye. I am still grateful for her willingness to share that day.

On the other hand, I feel like I am a very good "sharer". When someone asks I am happy to oblige. But sometimes I don't want to share recipes. Some recipes are special. The special ones are from my grandmother who has now passed away. I use them a lot, take them to special things, and when people ask if they can have the recipes, I share but it is a little harder. I am protective of these sentimental recipes.

When a close friend like Megan share their "signature" recipes with me, I don't always feel like they are mine to pass on either.

Since the BBQ there has been some angst. Is there a right and wrong?

WHAT DO YOU DO?
DO YOU SHARE YOUR RECIPES?

DO YOU THINK THERE IS EVER A TIME WHEN IT IS APPROPRIATE TO TELL SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE SHARING?

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FAMILY FUN FRIDAY! Shoveling Snow

For this game you will need...
Vaseline
Bowls for each player
Cotton Balls
A way to keep time
Prize for the winner (if you want)
Camera- because this will be funny

Arrange everyone in a circle sitting on their knees or sitting around a table. Place a dab of vaseline on the tip of each player's nose. Place a bowl in front of each player and a pile of cotton balls next to the bowl or scattered loosely in front of them on the table.

The object of the game is to place the cotton balls into the bowl using only your nose. Hands should be down or behind your back during the game. After 1 minute, the one with the most cotton balls in their bowl wins the prize.

We like to play by taking turns one at a time so that we can watch each other. We use one bowl, each player takes a turn and then counts how many cotton balls they got. We dump the cotton balls out and the next person takes their turn. This is a great time for pictures.

Our 22 month old little girl loves this game. She thinks it is so fun to put her nose in the bowl.

What do you think? SHOW OF HANDS. ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO PUT VASELINE ON YOUR NOSE?

Have a great weekend. Spend some time with your family.
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A Father's Day Memory

My dad with our son. 

Growing up we had a very specific Father's Day tradition.

Every Father's Day, after church, we would blind fold our dad and put him in the car. A Chevy Astro Van. Anyone else have one of those? My mom would drive us around for 45 minutes while we tried to get my dad confused so he didn't know where we were or where we were going. We would make distracting noises, talk to him and give him false clues.

It didn't matter. He always figured it out. We didn't mind.

After the confusing drive we would stop at a park, a different one every year. My dad would guess where we had ended up, take off his blindfold, and we would yell, "Happy Father's Day".

At the park we would meet our closest friends. They had been driving around doing the same thing with their dad, with a twist.

Our friends had 4 boys, all wrestlers. They would take all the seats out of their car and fill it with a mattress, pillows and blankets. As they drove around they would beat their dad up and wrestle him for 45 minutes. Once they got to the park, they would slide their minivan door open and their dad would fall out. There was always blood and they broke his glasses every year. If you ask those boys they would tell you that they liked Father's Day better than Christmas. If you ask the dad, he will tell you he did it for his boys.

Both families would bring food and we always finished the meal with the same Father's Day Cake from Baskin Robbins. You know the one, with the tie? Always chocolate cake with mint chocolate chip ice cream.

We still talk about this tradition today. We laugh with our friends about how fun it was to celebrate the holiday together. My dad always thanks us for not beating him up when he was blindfolded.

Now that our kids are getting a little older I think it is time to dust off the old blindfold.

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE FATHER'S DAY MEMORY?

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P.S. excuse the photo quality. These are from the archives. Cameras have come a long way.

Father's Day Ideas

Hard to believe Father's Day is this Sunday. We are hosting this year, which is always fun. My parents will be here, and my youngest brother and his little family. My brother is celebrating his first Father's Day.
Don't forget my husband, the best dad around.
While I was "floating" in my tent last week I was thinking about Father's Day and deciding what I would make for dinner. In case you are having trouble deciding, or just want some new ideas, I thought I would share.

We will be having these Saucy Meatballs. They are fantastic and so easy. Your man will go crazy for them.You make them in the crock pot and it doesn't matter how long they sit, they just get better and better. I am warning you now, they are addicting. Great served over rice, or by themselves. If you forgo the rice, baked potatoes with all the fixings make a great side.


To make them all you need is...


1 large package frozen meatballs (I get mine at Costco, Kirtland brand Italian Meatballs, green package)


Sauce:
16 oz. can jellied cranberries
1 jar chili sauce (find this next to the ketchup)
1/4 cup ketchup
1/2 cup brown sugar.


Place meatballs in the crock pot and top with sauce. Cook on low for several hours.

For dessert, I can't resist, I am going with these little babies. I found them over at Family Fun. Wait until you see them.

Ta Da!

I am so excited we might have to have dessert first. 

I am going to frost them, and serve them with ice cream. Need a good recipe for chocolate cupcakes. You can't go wrong with this one. 

I thought about these instead, but my husband doesn't really like to mow the lawn. 

WHAT WILL YOU BE SERVING FOR FATHER'S DAY? DO SHARE.

DO YOU THINK THE "COALS" ON THE CUPCAKES ARE YELLOW SPRINKLES?

Family Volley

Something I learned in the POURING DOWN RAIN!

Jordan River

As I mentioned yesterday, I spent the last 4 days in a tent, away from home, in the pouring down rain. Not just light sprinkles, I mean flash flood rains. Why did we stay in that rain you ask? Well, when you have planned an"experience" for 200 youth, you usually stay. I accepted that as a youth, I now accept that as a leader.

This type of challenge reminds you of things.
There are the obvious things. Gratitude for family, shelter, warm food, dry clothes, conveniences, cell phone connections, hot showers, etc.

This time I was reminded of another lesson. One I often forget. Bear with me for just a minute.
You see this conference was based on a story in the Bible. The story of Joshua. Joshua was a prophet and he had to get his followers across the Jordan, a river that was large and at the time overflowing its banks. Impossible to cross. God told Joshua that if the priests (religious leaders) would put their feet in the water that he would cause the water to "heap up behind them", and dry land would appear so that they could cross the river. If I were with Joshua and his people I would have had my own thoughts.

"I know, how about you show me some dry land and THEN I will be happy to stick my foot in."

The priests did as they were asked. They went to the edge of river, put their feet in, and as promised the water "heaped up behind them" and dry land appeared. Joshua and is followers crossed. An estimated 2 million people.

There are many lessons to be learned from this story of Joshua and the Jordan. For me, there is one that will not leave my head. You see, God asked Joshua and his religious leaders to WALK TO THE EDGE OF THE LIGHT AND THEN TAKE A FEW STEPS INTO THE DARKNESS, THEN THE BLESSINGS WOULD COME.

They had to willing to put their feet into the unknown dark cold water BEFORE the blessings could be theirs. It really hit me this past week, as I was trying to "herd" youth through real rivers caused by the storm, that I am not always willing to take those first few steps into the darkness. I want to see the dry land first and then I will venture out. I want to know where the decisions will lead before I commit to making them. I have been wondering how many blessings I have denied myself, how many opportunities I have missed, because I have not been willing to take those steps.

Regardless of if you believe in the Bible, or the story of Joshua, or God for that matter, there are plenty of modern day examples of men and women who have been willing to take those first few steps into the unknown. Think of explorers and inventors for starters. What about when we decided to bring a child into the world, or when we support the decisions our spouses make, or trust in others advice and guidance.

I am not looking to discover the new world. I am simply trying to serve and love my family and my God, raise moral children, and become one with my husband. Even though my decisions might not change history, my decisions affect our families history. My daily rivers can often seem wide and overflowing.

I was able to get some sleep last night, play with my children today, and I have feeling back in all my fingers and toes. Above that, I feel stronger and more in control. I have decided I am not going to let fear keep me from taking those steps into the darkness. I know that there are great blessings and opportunities for my family and for myself if only I will be willing to step first. The obstacles will be "heaped up behind me" and the land will be made dry. I will be able to walk to the other side where the treasure awaits.

ARE THOSE "FIRST" STEPS HARD FOR ANYONE ELSE?

Family Volley
B2B Marketplace

I Need A Moment...

I have spent the last 4 days in the pouring down rain, sleeping in a tent, corralling 200 youth.

Please forgive me but I am going to take today to regroup, hug my children, and thaw out. 

Have a great Monday.

ANYONE LIKE SLEEPING IN TENTS?

FAMILY FUN FRIDAY! Penny Hose.

For this game, all you need is...
1. Two penny's per person
2. One pair of pantyhose per person.

Players are given a pair of pantyhose with a penny placed in the foot of each leg prior to the game's start. Players must inch their way through the pantyhose, retrieve both pennies and pull them out. The first to get both pennies wins.

Rules.
1. Each arm MUST work independently of the other. So two arms can't be working in the same leg hole.
2. Players cannot use other body parts or nearby objects to help.
3. Players must put one arm in each pantyhose leg.
4. If a penny or part of the pantyhose touches the floor during the game, that player is eliminated.
5. Contestants must start with each hand barely in each leg of the pantyhose.

ANYONE HAVE ANY OLD "HOSE" HANGING AROUND?
You will love this one. And it is great for kids.

Family Volley

Law Enforcement Has Always Scared Me

I have always had a love/fear relationship with Law Enforcement.

I love that they sacrifice their lives and time and energy to protect my family and our community. I strongly dislike that every time I see one I get nervous and my heart starts to race and I immediately assess what I have done in the last 24 hours and if any of my actions have broken any laws.

We have a police man who lives on our street. A few houses up. He and his family are very nice. Regardless, Every time he drives by, even in his "regular" car, I get nervous and worried and start looking around my yard to see if there are any glaring misdemeanors. There isn't, but I still worry.

My parents always taught me that police men/women were there to help. And in theory I know that. Doesn't matter. My fears only escalated when I turned 16 and started driving. It probably didn't help that that same year I was with some friends at a park past curfew. I didn't even know there was a curfew. My parents knew who I was with and were I was (they didn't know there was a curfew either), but when the police showed up and every one started running for the hills, I decided then that me and cops, no bueno. (I don't speak Spanish was that correct?)

Until last Saturday, when I wanted to hug every Police Man and Highway Patrol man within a 500 mile radius. I wanted to call their wives and girlfriends and families and thank them and take them dinner.

You see, last Saturday I was driving home. On the freeway going 75 miles an hour. All by my myself, which is very rare. I was 25 miles from my house. All of a sudden there was a GIANT popping noise. And I mean giant. I looked in my rear view mirror to see what I could see. All I saw was something small bounce away behind me.

"I must have run over something", I thought.
Everything seemed fine and I kept on my way.

Then it happened. About 45 seconds later. Just like in the movies. There was another HUGE explosion sound, the car dropped violently on the left side and started to rock and shake. There was so much smoke I couldn't see anything behind me. I grabbed the wheel, and felt like I was in an action adventure movie.
"I am going to flip", I thought.

I knew I needed to pull over to the right hand side, but I was in the fast lane and there was no way I could make it that far. On the left, construction, so the best I could do was pull over to the little strip on the left. You know the one I am talking about. The tiny strip up against the cement dividers they put up in construction zones. Needless to say my SUV was basically stopped in the middle of the fast lane on I-15 southbound. Not good.

By this point I was white knuckled and shaking. I grabbed my phone and called my husband. That is always what I do when something goes wrong and I am scared or need help.

He asked if I was okay. And then asked if it was safe to get out of the car and see what the problem was. I couldn't, I was too close to the cement barriers. I rolled down the window, stuck my head out and could see that the back drivers side tire was flat. Not just flat, but BLOWN OUT. Yes, just like a big rig tire you see in movies. We later found out that the force of the blow out caused me to loose 4 bolts. Yep, nothing was connected.

I told me husband what I saw and he said he was on his way. My knight in shinning armor. He had all three kids and I knew it would be 25 minutes until he was there.

Now, I know how to change a tire, but in a dress, in the fast lane. Wasn't going to happen.

My nerves started to calm down a little. It was hard to relax when cars were weaving to miss hitting me. I kept thinking about those late night cop shows where the driver gets out of his car on the side of the road and another driver hits him. I was sure that was going to be me.
I couldn't understand what had happened. Our car is only a few years old, a Toyota, known for reliability right? And we are very attentive to its check ups and needs. After about 10 minutes of prayers and more prayers, I looked in my rear view mirror and low and behold there was a Highway Patrol man pulling up behind me. All of a sudden I got the nervous and I started to rehearse my alibi.

"I am sorry officer, I tried to get to the right side of the road but the car was going to flip and I did my best, and my husband is on his way, I am sorry, I am sorry."

He couldn't come to my window, the cement barriers remember. So he motioned for me to stick my head out. He explained that three other officers were shutting down traffic a mile behind me (on the freeway?) and that he needed me to "slowly" move to the right side of the road. Before I could process what he said my alibi started pouring out.
He kindly looked at me. "It's okay," he yelled, "let's just get you moved so you are safe."

I was barely able to get the car to the other side of the road. The next thing I knew, traffic started again and 4 patrol cars were surrounding me. Oh, the nerves. Do I get out of the car. Do I make them come to me, will they give me a ticket, will they be mad?

On the contrary. They kindly had me step out of the car and we started talking. I told them my husband was on his way but it would be a few minutes. They explained that they could have me taken care of in 10 minutes and on my way. They didn't want me hanging out on the side of the road. Not safe.

So, one patrol car left and three officers converged on the car. They showed me as we went the steps for changing a tire, I was attentive, they made space in the back for the blown tire, they told me that I was lucky I didn't flip, and that I had left debris all over the road. They were patient and kind. They even apologized for not getting to me faster.

To add insult to injury, when they put the spare on, it was flat. Go figure, so then they called a maintenance truck with a generator to come and fill it will air. They waited with me and then escorted me back on the freeway when it was time.

I felt like a complete dork, but a very appreciative dork.

I told them thank you a million times. As we waited for the maintenance truck I asked it they had to change a lot of tires. They laughed and assured me that I was not the first. I gushed and gushed, gratitude was abundant.

I tried to read their name tags, but was so unsettled the names never stuck in my brain. I regret that. I want to write a nice note, drop off some cookies, do something. If you are the wife of a highway patrol man and you are reading this, let me know. I will bring your family cookies.

For so long I have been afraid of these officers. I have always felt they were out to get me. I have wrongly judged. Then in one afternoon, my fear has changed to the deepest gratitude. It happened because they served me, protected me and went above and beyond to help me get back to my family in one piece. It happened because I actually got to know them.

I can't stop thinking about how this is life. How we judge and view others in a certain way, and then we have a real experience with them and realize how wrong we were. I have started to reevaluate to see if I do this in any other aspects of my life, or is it just with police officers.

We are all human, trying to do the best we can. For the most part, we are all kind and helpful and giving. Thanks to a blow out on the freeway, I will be thinking more about that.

P.S. Sorry I don't have a picture of the tire. I was way to upset to take one then and now it is under the other 3 tires in the garage and my husband is not home to move them so I can take a picture. So be it.

Family Volley

Selfish Children- Part 2

Don't give in. Even for a pretty face. 

SO... You want to transform a selfish child.

Time to Take Back Control...
A selfish and spoiled child knows how to get what they want. A child will on average, hound you for something 9 times, trying to get their way. Don't give in. The more they get what they want, the less they will think about others. As parents it is easy to loose control. Time to take it back. Setting boundaries and expectations are the best way to raise a selfless child, but it is easy in the moment to give in and set out on a course of destruction. A down fall for me is always in public. When one of our kids really wants something and is begging for it while we are grocery shopping or at the mall, I find myself giving in so they will be quiet. I can't do that. I am sending an instant message that all my kids have to do is make a little scene and they will get what they want. Decide right now what you will not give in to. Explain the boundaries to your children and don't budge. It will only take a few times and your kids will start to get the message.

Do not Tolerate the Selfishness...
This takes dedication on the parents part, and goes along with the above suggestion. When your child demonstrates selfishness, immediately address the situation and take care of it. Discipline and explain. Make your expectation VERY clear and then enforce them. When your child is selfish, point out that their behavior is not acceptable. Then use yesterday's suggestion, "How would you feel if..."

You are the Parent...
This is really important. Remember, you are in charge, you know what is best and you make the decisions. You don't have to put all your needs aside for your children. Putting them on a pedestal teaches them that other people don't matter and they are the center of the universe. If you are on a phone call, it is okay to ask your child to wait 2 minutes for their snack while you finish the conversation. (We are obviously talking within reason, not asking your child to wait for 20 minutes.) As a parent, it is okay for you to take 5 minutes to go to the bathroom, in peace. As a parent, you shouldn't feel guilty when you say "no". I learned this lesson the hard way when it came to food. I would give our kids all my food when they wanted it. I mean all of my food. Then one day, my husband stood up for me and our daughter said, "why can't we eat it, we are more important than mom." Yikes. In trying to be selfless, I had sent the wrong message. We naturally sacrifice for our children. Of course we do. But we are still the parent and dropping everything all the time for our kids can send them the wrong message.

Get everyone on board...
This includes grandparents. You can't raise a selfless child alone. If your spouse or parents, or in-laws spoil your child, it won't matter what you do at home. All your hard work will be for not. You have to get everyone on the same page. There is nothing wrong with talking to grandparents about the problem. Be kind and honest. Don't focus on placing blame. Instead, explain how your kids are acting and what you are trying to change, then ask if they will help. Ask what they think they could do to support your intentions. By taking this approach you will avoid offending and come to a mutual agreement. It is okay to recall the latest tantrum or demanding situation. They will understand. They had kids once. They love their grandkids and don't want to turn them into spoiled brats.

Don't give up...
These are big changes. Don't think they will happen over night. It will take time. There will be frustrations and struggles. When you want to give in, think about how important these principles are for your children's future. It will help strengthen your resolve to stay committed. Eventually things will begin to turn around.

Set your family up for lasting change.

Teach your children to be patient. Kids who are selfish don't take the time to think if they are inconveniencing others. They want things now, right now. Teach patience. It is okay for them to wait. We worked on this today. Our son had chosen a CD to listen to. Our daughter wanted her CD in "right now." She didn't want to wait her turn. We had to work through "how would you feel if..." and help her understand that she had to wait her turn. If I had given in to her, I would have sent the wrong message.

Praise selfless behavior. When your kids do something considerate, acknowledge their behavior. Praise will get you a long way. Reiterate what they did that was so kind and then point out how it made the other person feel. "Did you see how happy she was when you let her have a turn?" Kids naturally want attention. Give them attention for the good things they do.

Help your kids think about others. "Why don't you let your sister have a turn, she has been waiting a long time?" "Your brother is really good at painting, why don't we have him help us." As parents we have to point out others needs and strengths. Kids need help to see them.

Require your children to give back. Research shows us that kids who help others are more helpful. More helpful means less selfish. We have to give our kids the opportunity to serve others. Small things work great. I try to always sit down with our kids to write thank you's when someone does something nice for them. Even though our youngest can't write, she can color, and we trace her hand. Our son takes in the trash can for our elderly neighbor. Whenever we make cookies the kids choose someone to take the extras to. When ever I drop off dinner to a family I always include our kids. When we drop the food off, we talk about the experience. Whenever we are at grandma and grandpa's house we make sure to pick up our toys and put our dishes in the sink. Our kids help put the chairs away after church, and pick up trash when we see it on our walks around the neighborhood. These little, everyday acts teach children to think about others. If you can provide opportunities to serve in the community that will also make a huge impact on your kids. They will see the circumstances of others. It will teach empathy and compassion. It is hard to be selfish when you are being compassionate.

Be Consistent. Long lasting changes mean being consistent. Enforce the same expectations for all your children. Don't play favorites. Being strong one day, but giving in the next will send the wrong message.  It is our actions and the actions of those around us that perpetuate the selfishness. Let's start with us.

HOW DO YOU WARD OFF SELFISHNESS IN YOUR HOME?
ANYONE EVER HAD TO HAVE THE SPOILING CONVERSATION WITH GRANDPARENTS? HOW DID IT GO?

Family Volley

"I want it NOW"

When you ask your child to do something, do they say "No"?
Do they always expect to get their way?
Does your child have a case of the gimmies?
Is your child unappreciative?
Does your child expect special favors.?
Do you often hear "I want" and "Now"?

If your child exhibits any of the above behaviors, you want to double check that they are not falling into the spoiled trap.
All kids will exhibit selfish spoiled behavior, unless as parents we step in and help them recognize that other people have needs and that the world doesn't revolve around them.

The first thing you want to do is try and figure out why your child has a selfish attitude. Here are some common reasons.

• Your child is jealous of a sibling or your spouse and is looking to feel loved and get attention.
• You or other family members demonstrate selfish behaviors.
• You feel guilty for whatever reason and so you satisfy the guilt by spoiling your child. Lots of times this happens in families where both parents work. They feel bad because they are not home with their kids so they "give them things" to make up for it.
• All the families around you have lots of "stuff" and your kids want it to. Keeping up with the Jones'.
• They are an only child. 
• You want them to have everything you didn't have. My husband fights against this one. He didn't grow up with a lot. I remember when our son was a year old and he wanted to buy him one of those motorized jeeps that you drive around the neighborhood. I asked him why and he said "I always wanted one of these as a kid, but couldn't have one. I want to give our kids all the things I couldn't have." He doesn't feel this way anymore. :)
• Your family doesn't worry about money so you spend freely.
• There is little discipline in the home.
• There are family problems in the home and to make up for them (enter guilt), kids get whatever they want.
• Your child has never been taught about selfishness. 

Think about what has brought about the selfish behavior. Try your best to pinpoint the problem. Once you have, start to implement a solution so the behavior doesn't get any worse. Some things you can do. 

Be an example of selflessness.

As parents, our example is the best way to teach our children. Children for the most part will do what their parents do. We need to teach our kids how to be selfless by serving others and being kind ourselves. Explain to your kids how it feels to help others and serve. Explain how happy it makes you and how it makes the person you serve feel. The words you say, coupled with actions will teach great lessons. If we are always saying "I am too busy to help", or "they can do that themselves", our kids will pick up on that. 

Monitor Television and Movies.

Think about the shows on T.V. and the commercials. Commercials are the worst. They are constantly promoting the newest fashion and the latest trend. One Saturday of morning cartoons and I am inundated by my kids and their "wants" for weeks. The newest this and the newest that. The shows on T.V. put ideas into kids heads. It teaches them that to be happy they have to have "stuff." When my kids start to get a case of the "gimmies", I know that it is time to turn the T.V. off for a while. I also know that I need to start saying "No". Limit T.V. in the first place and avoid the problem. 

Set limits.

Enforce those limits. When you say "No", you have to mean "No". Don't let a temper tantrum change your mind. 

"How would you feel..."

Ask your children how they would feel if....? Teach them to think about how others feel. This will help them think less about themselves and more about others.  

Praise for the right reasons.

Build your children up. Help them see that what lies inside is more important than what they wear on the outside. Don't compare your child's appearance with others. . Praise them for their hard work and good manners, not so much for their cute shirt and new shoes. 

Tomorrow we will talk about what to do if your child is past the point of no return, and how to establish a house of selflessness.

ANYONE ELSE USE THE BERENSTAIN BEARS IN THEIR HOME? 

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE?

Family Volley 

And the Winner Is....

The winner of the $50.00 dollar gift certificate to any CSN store is,

Amanda who said...."I would choose many things out of the Bakeware section, especially a nice cake stand that can turn into an heirloom piece."

Woo Hoo Amanda! Congratulations! Please email me so you can start spending.

Thank you everyone for entering. Family Volley loves giveaways. I had so much fun with this one, we are going to have them more frequently. Because they are fun, and because I think you are all wonderful. 


What would you like to win on Family Volley?
Leave me a comment telling me what products or shops you love? We will see what we can do to make you a winner. 
AND...
Do you have a product or shop you would like to see featured on FamilyVolley? Email or leave me a comment with your contact information. There is nothing better than featuring supportive readers.

This Week on Family Volley (Spoiled and selfish kids, oh my!)

Did you know that kids who are selfish and spoiled are less satisfied with their lives? Spoiled kids have more trouble with relationships, they are less happy, less popular and more likely to be depressed. They also argue more with their parents, AND they develop into less happy adults.

It is normal for children to be a little self centered. Young children need reminders to share and wait their turn because they are thinking only of themselves. Elementary school children develop competitiveness which makes them more self centered in their thinking and feelings. Junior high kids tend to only think of themselves and the need they have to fit in with their peers. Their selfish and spoiled feelings mean they are willing to gossip, back bit, and put others down to get attention.

Remember though, research shows that children are born with a desire to be kind and care for others. This desire will diminish if we as parents don't cultivate the right type of environment.

Do you know a child that thinks the world revolves around them?  Do they always want more, are never satisfied, and have no patience to wait.  Do you know a child who feels their self-worth is determined by material possessions? Do you know a child who can't take "no" for an answer? (hum, I do) :)

We all know of a child, or have a child of our own who exhibits some or all of the above characteristics. It is pretty normal for all children to go though selfish phases. The key is to stop the behavior before it gets out of hand.

Do you want a child who is considerate of other's needs, and realizes that there are more important things in this world than getting the newest toy, or the newest fashion trend?

Stay tuned. Family Volley is going to address kids who are a bit too spoiled and a tad on the selfish side. The suggestions will be perfect, whether you feel your child needs to change ( a lot or a little, it's never too late), or you just want to start your young one off on the right foot.

Kids who can consider other's feelings, and are not "constantly indulged", are happier kids.

Let me know if there are any individual questions or concerns you have with this topic and I will see what I can do to cover them over the next couple days.